Break Down

Today it happened...it finally happened.  I have been stressed, I have been healing, I have been frustrated many times in the past six months.  I have wanted to just break down and cry it all out.  I have secretly cursed my anti-depressant because the tears just don't flow when I take it.  I appreciate that it keeps me on a pretty even keel most days but sometimes a girl just needs to cry.

It came on quite unexpectedly although now looking back at my morning, I should not have been surprised, that is the way it usually works.  Not in my room by myself as I tell myself "JUST CRY ALREADY!", no.  This morning I was in my van with my two sweet sons.  I was able to disguise it as very strange sounding giggling, but once I got back to the house, the tears were flowing.

It was a couple of weeks ago driving the boys to school when I was trying to referee an argument that was about to get physical between them in the back seat.  I drove toward a yield sign and didn't see an SUV coming the other direction.  It was a miracle right before my eyes because my van seemed to drive through the tail end of that SUV when it should have crunched into it.  I describe it as a scene from Back to the Future when the Delorian reaches that magic speed and disappears a split second before running into a building or another vehicle.  Totally aware of God's protection as Zach piped in with a white-faced "Mom, that was really close" I knew that he had seen it too.

With that experience not far behind me I know that Yield sign is there.  This morning I am driving toward said intersection and the road was slick  under my tires and I started sliding.  Only being able to do so much with my feet slammed onto the breaks I was pretty close to entering the intersection when the Suburban coming the other way with breaks and skidding passes in front of me.  The man was bald with a long Duck Dynasty type of beard and throws his hand across the windshield to point out to me the Yield sign on my corner of the road.  With a sweeping motion (now that my van had come to a stop) I motioned to him to by all means continue.

I knew that the Yield sign was there, and after the break down and tears came and left I thought long about the situation and knew that he could have been much ruder and he could have flipped me off in front of my boys or any number of things.  But this time it wasn't my fault.  The road was slick.  Again, I drove the rest of the way to school thanking God that He stopped my van before it hit the Suburban.  I certainly wouldn't have wanted to have to exchange insurance information with him.  Somehow in my head an "I am sorry sir, my van wouldn't stop sliding" doesn't seem like words he would have cared to hear.

After the floodgates opened and I got Zach to school, I sat wondering why now?  Why today am I so fragile that an incident like this would start me crying?  Who knows really.  Maybe because it is my husband's birthday and I let him get out the door before I told him happy birthday.  Maybe it is because I have been battling very real spiritual warfare with one of my daughters daily and made a HUGE breakthrough last night.  Maybe it is because it has been a long six months.  Who knows.