Not what you want hear for sure. Good scan, great report that compared with measurements but it all boils down to one thing...the cancer is growing. Mayo is getting my file to take a look at and in the meantime we are nixing the current protocol and starting something different next Thursday. A chemo drug infusion every three weeks and then three weeks of a oral chemo drug each cycle.Anything Mayo suggests in the meantime will be taken into consideration. That is about all I know. I could get into more of the details like how my tumor marker number went from 157 to 273 since my last treatment. Or, I could give you all of the measurements of all of the lesions. I haven't even looked at all of that this time.
I was with this guy and he was a softy and took my suggestion that he take me to lunch. So we did that before he went back to work. It was wonderful comfort food. I just have to remember that I am not able to eat as much as I usually do when I am not on chemo. We talked and ate slowly though and I made it through.
I can't really tell you how I feel about all of this. I have to let God ultimately have control of everything in my life. Really, as a believer I should have already surrendered it all. There are places in my life I am finding that I am holding on to a little too tight. Studying Genesis right now has been a blessing. Last week we discussed Abraham sacrificing his only son of promise. What faith that took.
God sometimes asks us to sacrifice big things. Right now I feel a little whiny when I feel like I am sacrificing my normal life where I am up and subbing and helping kids with homework, cleaning house, making dinner every night. You know, like the good ol' days. These days the kids come home from school and climb up in my bed with me and tell me about their day. Don't get me wrong, a lot of good conversations happen in my bed with my kids, it just isn't the picture I had of my life. After a couple of fights with cancer I gave up my 40's thinking that "well, this was my bad decade". Now staring down 50 in a year I know that this fight will last my lifetime. That is where it gets mentally exhausting.
It is not time to shrink back, it is time to live by faith...God traded my every sin for the righteousness of Jesus Christ on the day I repented and realized how wretched I was. So that part is done. It is truly time for His righteous one...me...to live by faith. You really have to when there is no other alternative. I don't know how people do this without Him and I am learning more every day about how to do this WITH Him!
I’m with you!!! How DO people do this life without Him? Praying continually for healing. And that, for now, Joy abounds I’m having conversations in your cozy bed and SOON you’ll be coming and cleaning and canning again!!!! 💕💕
ReplyDeleteSo sad to hear this news. So glad to know that your faith is growing and that you aren't doing it alone, you're living your best life WITH Him. (Not the best life you imagined or dreamed, but the best life given reality.) You are HIs righteous one...you are living by faith. Thanks for sharing the journey.
ReplyDeleteLove you Jody.
ReplyDeletePraying....So many of us waste much of our lives in front of screens on weak entertainment or just "getting through the day to day" we forget to relish in the simple things that god has given us everyday...it pains me that you endure this but you do so with such grace and enthusiasm. You give many of us a gift of remembering what is important.
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