End of the Drought

Short but sweet post for today. I am at St Luke’s again because my temp was over the limit. When we got to the ER my oxygen was in the 80’s dipping down into the 70’s at times. They gave me oxygen and by morning I was at full oxygen again without help. I wish I would feel better to do better at blogging. So here I am not just reporting on me but sharing here how very thankful I am for nurses and the heart they have for the patience that are in their care.$!

Specific prayer requests:
That they could find anything that keeps bringing me here
That I could be feeling better and back home for next week’s birthday week.
That this won’t delay chemo treatments for long.

Staycation

I wouldn’t call it a vacation by any means but life can be put on hold as quick as a wink

when you are on chemo and you find yourself with a fever of 103.7. You would think that as an adult with a fever
that high they could just run a test or two and it be obvious what is wrong. Not so for me.

I have now been in the hospital for the 10th day and we have not pin pointed where the source of the fever has come from. So very frustrating! Today we are hoping to spring me out of here! I have gone through all the antibiotics they can run through an IV.

Thankfully I have had no fever since Saturday. But, I ended up in ICU because my blood pressure was tanking. It certainly has been an adventure! I hate the worry it causes my family. Lots of them came to the hospital where I could only see two people at a time.

My aunt Jo was able to come with my cousin. I told the nurse I would rather be out in the waiting home room where everyone was having a mini family reunion. Cool but not cool because of why we were gathered. It was a quick turn around in ICU and I was back on the main floor by Sunday working through the bags and bags of antibiotic.

I was waiting to get my new laptop last week and it came while I have been here. The upside is that David has been able to set it all up and move stuff from my old computer. So, something to look forward to when I get home and settled.

As I wait for 6:30 am so I can order breakfast, I thought I would share a little about what has been going on with me. I can tell more of the story once my awesome husband gets me going on my new computer.

Thank you all for the prayers. I believe that you all have prayed me out of the ICU so quickly and that there are so many prayers we don’t even know were prayed. I have some stories I hope I can share in future posts. For now, I am grateful and blessed by all of you!

Friday From the Heart: Henrietta Hippo and a Few Other Essentials

There are things that help me when I am in my house or in my room on my own on bad or quiet days. There are probably more that I am forgetting but I will share a few things that have brought me comfort. First here I am with my cozy fleece blanket that one of my sweet friend Michelle gave to me. I have it to use in the living room and another that some of my Arthur moms made me during my last time through chemo that I snuggle up with in my bedroom.











Next, let me introduce you to Henrietta Hippo from my dear friend Cindy who I still have a hard time believing she was right here in my house this summer! When I close my eyes I can still see her standing on my porch on that rainy day. Henrietta is wonderful because if you have had a surgery or have to rest for a long period of time, pillows are so important. This hippo (slightly under-stuffed) can be put behind my head, behind arms, or sometimes just hugged across my chest. I am very thankful for her.

 I got a special pillow from a friend six years ago that is shaped like a traveling neck pillow but it was made for mastectomy patients for under the arm of the affected side. It was very good and I sometime use it for my neck or under my arm too. I also met with a woman in my PT office who had a lot of ideas for making it easier to write and to stitch and a tool to button my buttons. Still looking for something to help with earrings. But this tool can do a lot of things as you can see. There are also foam gripper tubes that I can put on silverware to eat (so I don't drop my spoon or fork.) Just cut it the length you need.

Finally, a couple of very special things, my praying bear which I have had since I was infertile and prayed for children EVERY. SINGLE. DAY back when Beanie Babies were popular. And then, my VERY favorite encouragement came the very first day I heard bad news in June of 2013. Dawn in her sweet little heart wanted to help me and she glued these popsicle sticks together and painted my battle cry “BE BRAVE!”

I haven’t had the best month. I think the chemo is building up. I did not expect to still be on chemo in August when I started it last December but we do what we have to do. We do seem to be going down the right path. I will report though, my fat arm is smaller this week! I went to the stitch shop uptown in Marion to find anything I could that may help me to stitch. I found a few things and yesterday I was able to finish a hand embroidered quilt block. I am going to tackle another one today.

God is so good at holding me and He does it through all of you. So many times we were told by our doctors and surgeons that if we do "this" there would be a 98% chance that this cancer won't come back. There is a different plan for me it seems. As the Mayo report said in the first paragraph "This is an interesting and challenging case".

I thank everyone who has brought meals to us and our “secret school supply fairies”, those who have picked up my kids or dropped them off too. (you all know who you are). And for those who are far away, who throw a card in the mail every so often I say thank you! I am serious when I say each one of them arrive right when I need them most. Then there are some who I have never met in person, thank you for your prayers and for following our family through this. I love you all!

“The promise was when everything fell we’d be held.”

Natalie Grant

Today is HERE!!!!!

There is someone in this house who has been waiting patiently since May for August 13th to come around. Here we are August 13th and the first day of summer introductory lessons for the 5th grade band! Matthew got his saxophone today and he had it in and out several times today!

All three boys had their instruments out within minutes of Matthew getting home with his saxophone. So there has been music all over the house today. Two more days of introductory lessons and I know he will learn a lot.

And how does all this affect this young man’s mother? I am so proud. It is hard to imagine that time can fly so fast, but here we are!

She Wanted Lasagna so She Made Lasagna

Last week was rough for me. I had about three good days and then Saturday hit and I could hardly get up and walk to the kitchen without feeling like I was falling over.

My feet are worthless. I can’t feel them and around six or seven at night they start hurting. I love my arm pump! If I do a session with my arm and then put it right into my sleeve and the pain throughout the day has been greatly reduced.

I have to be reminded often to take one day at a time.  I say it enough but I still need to be reminded. This is a post that I thought I had published on Tuesday, but when I went to post my treatment update I realized I didn’t actually publish it.

So...on Tuesday I wanted lasagna - my lasagna (I have been known to make a mean lasagna!) Well I was thinking how long it had been since I have blessed my family with their favorite meal. I love and am thankful for the friends who so kindly have blessed us with some great recipes while I have gone through treatment.

I had lasagna on my mind but didn’t have all the ingredients and I knew if I went on a grocery trip I wouldn’t have the energy to make lasagna. It takes a little time and energy to put it together. So instead I put together a shopping list, got online and ordered Aldi to deliver.

And ta-da! In hardly no time at all I had two full lasagnas ready for the oven. Each day I want make goals. Not a “to do” list but a “done” list. I would rather focus on my accomplishments than on everything that didn’t get done. Some days there are a few things on the list, and some days maybe only one thing.

Tuesday it was lasagna and boy was it good!

Treatment and PET Scan Results

Today we got the results of Monday’s PET scan. Cancer is still decreasing so that is good news. Mayo also added to their report after checking the biopsy samples. They agree with the molecular testing we had done earlier this year as to the type of cancer we are fighting.

Two people rang the bell today and I clapped along with everyone else. Then I pondered back to 2017. It was January and I had my “last” chemo treatment after six months of chemo.

We talked about pain management too and added a couple options for me. We are going to continue this protocol until we no longer see a change in the PET scans. It isn’t
really the kind of plan I like. So we will be patient until we can get more details.

Hurray for the Sleeve!

It’s here! It’s here!! I received my pump a week ago this past Saturday. I have used it a few times. As you can see, it is quite the set up. I have a video link that explains the whole process if you would like to watch it here.

I met with the nurse yesterday to make sure I knew what I was doing. I hadn't adjusted anything myself and so she was able to get it velcroed so that it does the most good.

This will get me to stop and rest some during my day. If I can, I like to be busy on days that I feel good. It has been my habit to overdo it on those days.

I don't remember if I have mentioned this or not, but my next scan is going to be on August 5th. Then consult and next treatment on the 7th.

When I have two good scans in a row we will talk about what I will be on for maintenance to keep anything from attacking again. Stage 4 metastasized breast cancer is not curable but it is treatable. Hopefully we will hear from Mayo and what they found in the pathology that they have been working on.

It would help me mentally if someone would just tell me what kind of cancer I have. Thankfully this "shot in the dark" protocol has worked pretty well. We will see on the 7th.

Psalm 16:11 

You will show me the path of life. In your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

A Scout at Camp

Yearly Mom and scout selfie

A picture by the weather rock.

It happens every year for the boy scouts in the house. I am a little behind posting a few things and overnight camp for this scout was one of them. Since this was a couple of weeks ago, this will be part of the catch up.  Every year we go out on Wednesday night of camp week and visit, eat supper together and take a look around. Zach took some money with him and still had quite a bit left on Wednesday so I didn't have to leave anymore with him. Ryan opted not to go to camp with his troop this year because he is working on the few merit badges he has left and none of them are offered at camp. Everyone's schedule is so full!.

Zach's bunk

We ate dinner not at the pavilion right inside the camp like usual, but instead at their campsite. I will say that it was quite a hike for me but I was proud of myself for taking the hike. Zach showed us around and said he would take us down to the waterfront and show us where he is working on his canoeing badge. That was another hike pretty much uphill both ways since it was down then up on the way there and down and then up on the way back.

I can't say I wasn't tired when my head hit the pillow. It was one of my 10,000 step days. I was talking with Zach and asked him what he would feel like next year when Matthew is at camp with him. Matt looked at me and realized that it will be his turn next year. I think I heard a big "gulp" from him. He said he wasn't sure how he felt about being away from home the whole week. I told him not to worry because he had a whole year before he goes. It was a fun night and has become quite a summer tradition.

Another Treatment Behind Me

Yesterday was treatment day. I have had some trouble with my voice and my chest has been tight. So first before anything else I was sent to X-ray and EKG to be sure that something sinister wasn’t going on. Results were negative for both so I went ahead and had treatment. Again this time I was tired and spent most of the time sleeping.

I slept most of the evening away too. I haven’t been sleeping that well so I wasn’t surprised. There really isn’t anything to report other than the infusion went well and I will have a PET scan before my next treatment to see where we are in this fight. I will be sure to let you know what we find out.

Good news came today in the form of a text that my sleeve pump is ready to ship! I can not wait to get it and get relief in my arm a couple of times a day. I guess it doesn’t take much to make me happy these days! I will let you all know when it gets here. I didn’t really understand how it worked til I saw it so stay tuned!

Late Night at the Movies

Well, it seems like the only way we can go to the movies together as a family is to plan a late night showing. That is just what we did tonight in the Dream Loungers. I was afraid I would fall asleep being so comfortable. That didn’t happen. Everyone stayed awake and enjoyed the family time.

However, we were all disappointed. Not the message we would like to see or hear from our favorite Disney characters. It feels like our beloved Woody and the gang were hijacked to deliver a series of messages that were blatantly against what they had stood for all along.

Forget how sad I was watching Toy Story 3 when we realized how many of the original toys were no longer in Andy's collection. One of those being Woody's crush Bo Peep. Imagine my surprise when in 4 we have the back story of how Bo was given away.

That is where my excitement to see Bo Peep ended. I am trying not to include too many spoilers here. Let's just say that to have Woody's sense of loyalty and friendship thrown aside for his "feelings" is not the message that the Toy Story franchise has been about from the beginning.

There were so many ways that 4 could have gone, Woody ditching his kid was certainly not on our radar. The Sloan's won't be purchasing Toy Story 4 to add to our collection. We are thankful we went on $5 Tuesday to the theater and didn't pay full price. Sure, there is a lot of funny spots where we laughed while we ate our popcorn, but truth is, what they wrote for Woody was totally out of character for him. Toy Story will end with 3 in our collection.

Update

I realize that I didn’t post after my last treatment! How did that happen? Then I thought of all of people I have told that as far as I knew I was going to have a PET scan next week before the next treatment.

Well, I hadn’t heard from the imaging center about when the PET was scheduled. So after my wonderful massage this morning, I stopped in to check the status of my schedule.

It looks like I will have treatment next Wednesday and then the scan will come after the next treatment. So, I have a HUGE prayer request. After each treatment my neuropathy gets worse.

I don’t understand how you can have no feeling in your hands, feet, toes and fingers but yet you feel so much pain! The neuropathy has made it about half way up my calf/shin. I pray it doesn’t get worse and that when this chemo is done that the neuropathy goes away.

I can do very little with my hands. The pain is too distracting. Night is the hardest because the pain ramps up. I will talk more to my palliative care nurse to see what is available. The morphine works some nights and I am thankful for a good.night’s sleep.

I am off to Fittings Unlimited to get a new sleeve and glove for my fat hand. Thank you all for your continued prayers!

Meeting Some of Those Who’ve Walked a Mile

I have not really ever sought out a group to join as a six year breast cancer survivor. I didn’t think I had time to keep up with another group especially when I do have people around me that I love and who are more than a blessing in the circumstances I find myself in.

A few months back I ran into this group on Facebook. I am not sure what made me request to join but I sent a request and was accepted as part of this group. I found myself reading about other people, strangers to me, share their stories. I would comment every once in awhile when I thought I could be helpful.

Over the weekend I was pondering my six year anniversary of my first surgery and decided to get on with the Facebook group and share my story. I didn’t know how sharing with strangers would be good therapy but it was. I had read so many of their stories in the last few months.

There is something about someone else knowing. They just know. You don’t have to explain. So I shared my story on the group feed and received
very quickly so many words of encouragement. I was encouraged today also at my visit to my lymph massage.

I asked at my last appointment about the cuffs they put on our legs when we have surgery to keep circulation going. I asked why can’t they make something like that for arms to massage the lymph fluid out. She said they DO!!!

So today we got the paperwork started to get one for me. I got to wear it today and try it out. SO awesome! Took the pain away right away! It probably will take about three weeks to get but I am telling you, I cannot WAIT!  I am praying that insurance will cover the cost. My therapist said most insurance does cover it. I will keep you posted. Thank you all for your prayers!

Six Years

Six years ago today I was recovering from a lumpectomy. I remember dozing on and off excited that when I got home from the hospital Gone With the Wind was on tv and I could have some distraction while I wasn’t dozing.

Fast forward eight surgeries, three more lumps, three protocols of chemo and ten weeks of radiation and I find myself in Wisconsin Dells celebrating my parent’s 50th anniversary. I had no idea back then what the next six years would bring.

I am glad that we have no idea what the future holds, and I can promise you I have no desire to find a fortune teller to give me a heads up. I will take it one day at a time. It is how I got this far. It’s how Mom and Dad made it to the 50 year mark. We are celebrating on some days and fighting hard on other days. I will admit that some days it feels like I am down for the count. But His mercies are new every morning so today doesn’t have to be like yesterday.

I am thankful that for the most part my brain has good memories in the long term memory bank. I certainly would not pick six years of fighting cancer to be my reality today, I wish things hadn’t  been so hard on my family. But, it is out of my control. I would have said before that “all God asks of us is that we trust.” Which is true. But I have come to learn that “trust” is hard work.

Happy 50th to my mom and dad...I am blessed to say I have shared in 49 of those years and have learned from them. Through good times and bad, His grace is what keeps us.

Voices of Hope

I made it! I sang and stood the whole time! This is me now home and resting. I love singing in the Voices of Hope concert every year as part of Cedar Rapids’ Freedom Festival. I told Pastor Gary who directs us each year that I may have to miss a night (we sing the concert Tuesday - Thursday) or, I may need to sit and sing at times but I would love to do what I can. If you are local, you should plan to come tomorrow or Thursday!

I blubbered through one of the songs tonight! There are three generations of my family in the choir. Mom and Dad sing, and for the second year, Dawn and Ryan sing too. It was a little emotional for me. I am thinking I need a separate post to share more about that.

All I know is that tonight I am resting after night number one thankful that God gave me the grace to enjoy one of my favorite things. He is so good to me!

She Beat Me to It!

She’s really here...in my kitchen!

For many years my college friend Cindy and I have occasionally closed correspondence or messages with “let’s have tea out on the porch someday”. Cindy lives in Texas and we haven't visited in person since college. She asked me last week when she could come and have tea on my porch this summer.

Well, yesterday was the day! She came with her sweet niece who sat and visited with us. We spent about 4 1/2 hours chatting and drinking tea. Unfortunately it was raining so even though the porch had been newly swept and made ready, we drank tea in my living room.

The rain didn’t dampen anything about our visit and I will cherish the time together for a long time! If I have said it once I will say it a million times...I have some of the best people in my life! Thank you Cindy...You are a treasure!

Ho Hum...

Things have been very boring around here. There’s nothing to blog about so I haven’t been writing. My fat arm and the pain that goes with it has stopped me in my tracks a bit. I am a writer. I love to write cards and letters and journal. My hand does not allow me to write very well and my arm gets painful very quickly.

I have been seeing a physical therapist who does a lymph massage for me once a week on my right arm. It has gone down a little and I hope that wearing my glove and sleeve everyday will continue to see an improvement. I had treatment two weeks ago and started feeling better last Sunday. I can do a few things now with rest in between.

We were excited last week when we decided to have a movie night that Netflix is now showing Ralph Wrecks the Internet! Not all of us had seen it so we watched. Along with all the Phineas and Ferb shows we have watched, it has been a television kind of week. For me too...without the use of my arm and hand I have done more watching than usual.

Some of my favorites that I would recommend if you are looking for shows to watch are Blue Bloods, Designated Survivor, and Broadchurch. I will always go back to Monk if I want something I have seen before and feel like I will be in and out of sleepiness.

Life is going pretty slow for me lately and I have learned that it’s okay. I have been listening to podcasts and watching YouTube videos of sermons. I can’t journal much but I can listen. I haven’t mastered it yet but I am learning that whatever my circumstance I can be content. I am not always but it is getting better. I have had a few visitors lately and that has been a great morale boost!

Thanking God continually for all of you who are praying!

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."

Philippians 4:11

FOUR Teenagers!!

Yesterday was Zachary’s FAVORITE holiday! Never mind the fact that Flag Day is on his birthday! We celebrated all day. 13...another teenager! I brought him his present and told him he could open it now or wait til Stacey, Dawn and Dad gets home later in the day. He picked to wait. I was a little surprised! So, we picked up Stacey from camp she was at this week about 12:30.

After that, Matt, Zach, Stacey and I went to Country Kitchen for lunch. There was video game playing, and when we sat down to pick an afternoon movie to watch together, we were all surprised and excited to see that “Ralph Breaks the Internet” was new on Netflix! So we watched it.

When Dawn and David got home Zach opened his present...4 DVDs of Phineas and Ferb shows! He was excited! He is a huge fan! It stunk for all of us when they took Phineas and Ferb off of Netflix. It is one of those shows that the older and the younger ones both love.

We went to Oyamas for dinner because sushi is always the choice for birthdays in our house. We mused about how the next time we come will be in September when Matt and the triplets have a birthday. Matt will be 10...double digits and will get his own plate of sushi. (you have to be in double digits in our family before you graduate from chicken fried rice to a full plate of sushi). Matt can't wait. The rest can't wait either because they won't have to  share their sushi. They each have to give Matt two of their sushi pieces until he is 10.

Zach is excited that he can watch his favorite show whenever he wants. David also got him a new cooler headlamp for his camping trips. Of course there was a Phineas and Ferb marathon and three kids had a mini slumber party in the living room. We are finding a good way to spend our summer vacation every day. This week we celebrate Zachary. What a blessing he has been to our family!!

Interesting and Challenging

New protocol treatment #4 happened yesterday. I didn’t get a chance to post because I am fighting sleepiness big time! I ended up sleeping through the infusion, came home, laid down on my bed and the next thing I know it is 10 pm! I got up and ate dinner and went back to bed. I have been in and out of napping all day today too. My body must need some rest.

The report came back from Mayo Clinic and they described my case as “interesting and challenging”. They said that we should keep doing what we are doing since it is working. They are going to test my samples from the biopsy themselves to see if we can find for sure what type of cancer it is that we are fighting HER2+ or HER2-. We still don’t know for sure.

We will continue these treatments until we get to a place where my liver is stable and the scans are showing normal. Then we will move to the maintenance treatments which we will determine when we get there. I got a call from the office this afternoon with news that my tumor marker number has gone from 411 down to 190!!

I forgot to take a picture of myself at my infusion. The nap was good though! I did get a selfie on the way home! Thank you all for your prayers!!

A Completed Project

I think this yarn looks much better as an afghan than it did as a pile of leftovers! I started by gathering my scrap yarn that is autumn colored.  I worked through it all and ended up with 156 squares when the yarn ran out!

The border turned out exactly like what I was looking for! I wanted to do something that stood out but still didn’t take away from the squares. I am happy with the way it turned out. 

I often make things as gifts and I always hear "why don't you ever make anything that we can keep?" The family is happy because this one stays here at our house!

Around the Dinner Table

With me not always feeling well, we as a family have gotten away from eating together at the table regularly. Understandably I suppose, but I haven’t liked this new development. Everyone was home tonight so I called everyone to the table.

Children sat down and the prayer was said. Then...it was total chaos! Everyone talking at once and trying to get their two cents in. David got up from the table and quickly went into the kitchen. The kids were wondering what was up and I started laughing.

David came back to the table with a wooden spoon and handed it to me. It was my turn to talk. The kids thought it was funny that I knew exactly what Dad was doing when he got up from the table. He laid down the rules, if you aren't holding the spoon, you are not to speak.

It worked out pretty well as the family remembered how to have a civil conversation! There was a lot of laughing! We also talked about how having help from some of the ladies at our church with some house cleaning each week has helped them to see how nice things can be when they pick up after themselves. We also decided that everyone would try to be better at doing their part around here through the summer that will get very busy very fast!

And with that, I had a couple of helpers in the kitchen to clean up after supper. It was a good day.

Fancy Hand

I forgot over the past two months that I had taken off my wedding ring when my hands were so bad and I had to put lotion on constantly and the pain and itching of the rash was bothersome.

The ring was in a dish on my bedside table when I was searching for something else this morning. My skin is MUCH better taking this cycle off from one of the two chemo meds.

You can see that this time chemo is doing a number on my fingernails. All of them this time. So why not pretty my hand up a bit by wearing my ring again!

Now if we can just get my “Incredible Hulk” left hand to shrink a little! I can’t remember which one of the kids said it but it was said “It looks like you should just be able to take a pin and pop it!” Oh child...if only we could!!

LOUD Family Game Night

Earlier this week we had a rare night when everyone was home and so we played some games. Four of the kids went downstairs and picked a game. Matthew came up with the game he always chooses but he got shot down because everyone wanted something different. So the he came back upstairs with Hungry, Hungry Hippos!

I figured he would get a big thumbs down for that too but no, everyone was excited to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Bummer, there can only be four players. Mom sat out of that one.

Next we pulled out Encore. That is a game where you get a word or category and teams take turns singing songs with that word or from that category. The rule is you have to sing a complete line of lyric for it to count but we fudge just a little and make the person sing until someone else recognizes the song. That went on for over an hour and then it was time for bed. It was a fun family game night if I must say so myself!

Still Here...Just a Little Dizzy Lately

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me. It started after treatment when my nephropathy started to get worse. There is now pain in both of my legs below the knee and my hand and arms below the elbow. I have morphine I take at bedtime. Some nights it works, some nights, not so much!

Sleeping has been tricky. Some nights I can get some sleep, other nights it is hard. Looking back today I think I have caught some kind of a cold bug or allergies have moved into my chest. I stopped in last week to tell the doctor that when I get up I get dizzy and hear static in my ears.

She said it probably had to do with this sinus stuff I am dealing with so I keep doing my sinus rinse and take my vitamins. Well, Saturday night at Mom and Dad's I got up a little too fast. I am used to the dizziness and I was holding myself up at the bar as I dipped a chip and before I knew it there were people all around me trying to get me to the chair.

I passed out. First time ever in my life. It was weird but I was okay, I wasn't out very long at all although I don't remember any of it after the chip got dipped. I hit my cheek and my shoulder but nothing serious. Thankfully there were people around. I know I have missed a few grad parties that happened over the weekend and I am really sorry I didn't get to stop by.

It is better today. I haven't been as dizzy. I got a lymph massage on my "Incredible Hulk" arm and again stopped in to report my passing out episode to  my doctor. We are going to try some Claritin D and if it isn't better in a couple of days, I will call them and I will get passed to my ENT to see if it is some kind of inner ear issue. Or, I am getting older, maybe I am losing my hearing.

3XFIGHT

2nd Protocol Treatment #3

I went in early this morning to get started. We are taking this cycle off of the double whammy chemo plan so that my skin can recover. So today it was just my three hour infusion and then I was on my way. I stopped into the physical therapy office and made an appointment for tomorrow morning to work on getting some of my swelling in my right hand to go down. There at PCI the therapists specialize in lymph massage. We will see how many appointments it will take.

I am SO ready to have my right hand back! I have tried writing a little and I can in short spurts. My hand gets tired quickly. However...I have collected some fat barreled pens that are much more comfortable to write with! I should do a pen review one of these posts. I have done research! I do feel a little like I am back in kindergarten with my big fat yellow pencil! But it works and I am not stir crazy without something to do.


My fingernails are crashing and burning quickly. I am soaking them in a 3x1 bleach mix every night and am on an antibiotic for this and my cellulitis on my right arm. I can’t believe my arm has been swollen for over three weeks and I haven’t got an infection til now. We are on it though.

Over all, my condition is good. I am in a better place mentally this week with the renewal of hope and feeling again like we are winning some of the battles in this fight. It really is God who is revealing Himself more as we go along this road. I was feeling pretty good about my level of trust in Him, a little too cocky maybe. He has led me to trust Him MORE:

• To trust when the feeling isn't there. 
• To remember what I KNOW about Him during those times when I don't feel like I see Him moving. 
• To remember His promises.
• To truly rest.

It is hard for this very impatient girl to wait for these lessons because learning and growing takes time. Time and testing. I am thankful that the Lord knows me and knows what I need to not only get through this, but to also hopefully grow and get stronger along the way. My physical strength may be lacking right now but I am learning the strength that comes when we get to the end of ourselves. It is swinging on the knot at the end of the rope and trusting Him for tomorrow.