A Quiet New Year

Time to join the grannies

Resting

Movies and crochet

Following the two days of steroids during and after Thursday's treatment, my last couple of days have been pretty laid low. I am sleeping a lot and not really paying attention to life as we know it. Special thanks to the Hubaceks, Webers, Stulkes and Erlackers for bringing supper to us these last few nights. We are definitely well taken care of. We are so very thankful!

Tonight we ring in the new year. I will be doing that from my bed somewhere in the middle of a Perry Mason movie marathon. With my in and out of sleepiness, I end up usually rewinding a couple of segments because I usually miss some of the key points to solving the mystery. That is okay, it makes the movies last longer.

I have crochetted enough squares to start joining them tonight. I love how it is turning out. Very colorful! My favorite part is starting to see how it all will look together. I have yet to see if the variegated yarn will take away from the color of the squares. I can't wait to see how it will turn out. I will keep you posted.

For tonight, I am going to drink some juice (water tastes so yucky these days), watch a couple more movies and crochet a few more grannies together. As I think ahead to 2019 I know that I will be taking it one day at a time, like we really should be taking every day anyway.

To all of our loved ones and friends, be safe and know that we are praying for a blessed 2019 for each and every one of you! May we always be thankful for what we have and always feel the love of our friends even on those nights when we are laying low. Happy 2019 to you all!

Chemo #2

Ask me why I didn't get to sleep til early this morning? Well, Grand Central Christmas yesterday that is why! And, who wants to leave all the fun when bedtime brings morning and my plans for today were chemo.

Some of my highlights of 2018 Grand Central Christmas were as follows:

• Jake, Marissa and Alex were home for the season!
• Dad and Bryan's "as seen on tv" specially wrapped presents
• Watching all of the new clothing outfits opened by the teenage girls.
• The few little ones left who still open toys and are excited about dolls and nerf guns.
• "Sisters" share their talent.
• A special version of "Your Ways are Higher Than Mine" sung by my two favorite female voices.
• Low brass talent and even more this year I think was the special Indiana Jones boulder roll!
• Dad/Grandpa shares his story with a special question and answer session at the end.
• Dad's purchasing and Johnse preparing my favorite meal of the year...prime rib and all of the fixings Mom adds to my very favorite comfort food!
• Karaoke with Jeremy (aka Aaron Neville or was it aka Kermit the Frog...I've just learned to "go with it")
• Hearing "Eye of the Tiger" in Matts karaoke debut.
• Ryan and Stacey karaoke duet "Take on Me"
• Getting to sing Impromptu Bonnie Tyler "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

And, just overall enjoying the lighter side of life after quite a heavy start to this winter. There is a time for every purpose under heaven. Although we didn't sing it during Karaoke, it is true actually from the Word of God. So, before the heaviness of another treatment, (not necessarily the infusion, just knowing what is coming the next week) I let myself enjoy the fun!

Couldn't get a good one without the glare on my glasses

I had an amazing amount of white blood cells today! So whoever has been praying for my bones to be producing, keep up that prayer! They even made me pee in a cup to make sure I didn't have a hidden UTI that wasn't showing up in my symptom range. Nope...just good bone marrow I guess!

I will be wearing a mask in public this next week so don't be shocked. I am not going to chance the germs (and not willing to stay at home if I feel like I can get out and about a bit). I have also started wearing hats and scarves. I have not officially shaved my head but I have begun to do some aggressive thinning of my own. It doesn't "pop" this time, there was a very strange popping feeling last time that it came out. This time it just gently comes out in my hands.

But, for now I will cover it so that it doesn't shed everywhere. I thank Jody Anderson at Family Smile Care for gifting her hats and scarves to me a couple of weeks ago. I think I have something for every color. Eventually it will mostly come out, but for now a little fringe sticks out the bottom of my neck and from the front of my ears. Makes it look like there is something under there anyway.

So, chemo was calm today. I worked on scouting recharter which because of distractions is pretty late this year. More fun than doing that, I had a nice visit from my friend Meegan who sat and chatted for awhile. Today I opted for a foot massage which was nice! I smiled for the woman who had pretty much every family member there to hear her ring the bell for her last treatment. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I once rang that bell too. Bummer and this time I won't be able to again. I certainly didn't sit and ponder that for long!

I ate a pretty decent dinner tonight, thanks to some friends who brought food I didn't have to make. The steroids will make me eat voraciously these next two days, and then it is back to graham crackers and ginger ale for pretty much the next couple weeks. Its okay though, I am still maintaining my "bad news diet" weight loss although I am starting to notice my chemo puffiness starting in my legs and feet.  But I am here and God is still good...life is still good!

Hold On For One More Day

Well...this is the last day. It will hold on for this one more day. It is what I was hoping for, to make it through Grand Central Christmas.

It actually isn't holding on for one more day. It all wants to come out when I run my fingers through it. It all started on Sunday morning. I wasn't really thinking about it this time around. I have lost my hair before so no big deal. That said, it still shocked me on Sunday morning in the shower when both hands were full of hair as I massaged the shampoo into my head.

"Be more gentle with the conditioner" is what I told myself. I can't have empty spots of head when this is over, I have to get to church. I don't have time to lose substantial amounts of hair right now!

Without much handling from that point on, I was able to dry my hair and let it lay where the hair dryer blew it. Hairspray, not to hold the style, but to simply hold it on my head. I was a little bummed, I have to admit. I wanted this short little cut to last through the week so that I don't look back at the Christmas pictures like I do from two years ago and think first thing. "Oh, that is when I was on chemo".

Silly, I know, it will be "that is the Christmas I tried to keep my hair on my head". Well, it worked. Two very gentle shampoos later and my hair (for the most part) is still mostly on my head. My pillow and the shower drain may be able to make a wig of about the same thinnest but it will pass for one more day.

Tomorrow is round two of chemo and I fit right in wearing a hat or scarf on my head so it will be just fine. I am not making it a big production this time around. My wig is waiting, resting on a diet cola two liter on my bathroom counter when I decide to quit this silly game. If you would like to experience the emotions and all that comes with losing your hair you can check out the first time around.

I am better prepared this time around and I can't tell you how many compliments I have gotten on my hair in the last week since we cut it short. Little do people know that I was just trying to keep it on my head for one more day. Turns out, we made it FOUR more. Score!

Merry Christmas (if I don't have your "snail mail" address) from the Sloans!

“For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich.”

2 Corinthians 8:9

When people ask “how are you” there are a few different answers you may give. One, is “fine” which is probably the most common. But really, we often just say this to stop the dreaded conversation that may follow when in truth, the answer you WANT to give is “not so good”. That puts the person who asked sometimes in the shocking condition of trying to figure out if they really have enough time to ask the follow up “oh no, what is wrong?”

There is no longer a “good” or a “bad” in our answer at the Sloan house because good or bad, every single thing that happens to us is sifted through the hands of a MIGHTY God who is ever with us. So my answer to the question about “how are you” would have to be “RICH”. We truly are rich. We celebrate the Rich One who became poor for us as we think of all of the things we are thankful for.

REAL

I have to admit I have had to face the reality this year, as three have obtained their drivers licenses, that life has become just a little more real around here. In less than two years they will be graduating. That is pretty real and every moment when we are together has become so much more precious. They are all good drivers and the fact that they go out by themselves driving around town has not been as stressful for me as I thought it would be. It is hard to believe that Matthew is in 4^th grade. How is kindergarten round up now FIVE years in our past? It is bittersweet for me some days. I love knowing them as they grow up and seeing who they are becoming. As much as I love holding my infant baby, seeing how God is growing them up is rich…truly rich. Reality is also the fact that sometimes we get stuck in a rut and so this year I am thankful that God answered a very specific prayer of mine for years that David find a job where he is valued for what he can do and bring to the company. In September he left Honeywell and started working at Samsung here in Cedar Rapids. We have been reaping the benefits of that for the last three months in so many ways. We have also been able to get started on our unfinished basement with the installation of a couple of egress windows this fall. We are ready to get framing and dry walling hopefully through the winter months. We have not just one employed teenager in the house with Ryan who has been working at Godfathers Pizza for a couple of years, but Stacey has also started working at the PlayStation which is a super great fit for her as many of you who have had her over to babysit can agree! At the end of the summer we were able to purchase, with the rest of my substitute teaching money last year, a new to us piano. It is a well-loved baby grand which has always been a dream of mine for the corner of the living room. I hear SO MUCH piano music in the house these days since it is so much more fun to play on a piano that stays in tune!

INTERESTING

Life is always interesting for sure! Dawn is busy keeping her fish happy and healthy. We did lose our beloved Bartholomew last February in the middle of the freezing cold winter. He was a 12 inch long gold fish that obviously had a very good life! Of course not being able to flush him, we spent the afternoon boiling water to bury him in the frozen back yard. Life keeps us busy with all of the children’s activities. Basketball season for Stacey has begun and so we will be in the stands on Tuesday and Friday nights watching her. She is the one in our house who will run an errand when we need her to. She loves the freedom of being able to drive. Ryan opted to not go out for basketball this year but that is okay, he is certainly busy enough. He is in show choir, jazz band, and a few honor choirs/bands. He ran cross country this fall and will go out for soccer in the spring. He is working on a few last merit badges and then will be thinking about an eagle project. Dawn is also in show choir and we are excited to hear their show soon. She has a solo in the ballad so that will be fun. She is also in jazz band, trying that out this year on the vibraphone. She and Ryan also both tried out for All State. Zach has really jumped into a lot of music too. He tried out for the OPUS honor choir and made it, so he joined 700 of the best voices in the state last month. We headed once again to Ames to listen to the concert. It is always very impressive. Zach will be in the Marion Jr. Honor band and is in show choir and jazz band. He is still composing songs on the computer program “Noteflight”. I really think his language is music! Matthew is singing in choir too and LOVES soccer. He had a great fall season and he has found that even though Ryan can make him cry sometimes out in the back yard kicking the soccer ball around, it gives Matthew an edge on the field. He has become very aggressive and gets right in. It is fun to watch him do what he loves. There has also been a lot more nerf gun wars here this year. I find nerf bullets everywhere I go in our house. (adds to my arsenal for the next time they start shooting at me!)

CHALLENGING

We would have to say life has been challenging at times. It has been a challenging year in many ways. We grew closer as a family this year which is definitely part of the richness of life today. We have been blessed with an amazing church home and the deepening of friendships that have been such a blessing. The day after the Opus concert last month, the results of a PET scan showed spots on my liver. After a biopsy the day before Thanksgiving, we found out the cancer has spread. It is a mutation which in this case is good news because there are more treatment options. We are thankful for David’s sister Michelle and her fiancé Troy who made the Thanksgiving meal that we were planning to eat with them on Wednesday while we waited to be discharged after the biopsy. It tasted wonderful! We are putting it all in God’s hands and He has already blessed us in our sadness as we grasp an idea of what lies ahead. We are thankful for the support of family and friends around us, not just David and I as grownups but also that God has put in place the perfect friends in the lives of our children to comfort and love them. You know, our kids have a very different perspective on life. We find the discussions around the table very thought provoking some days. I hate the way God has chosen to grow them, but I can’t doubt Him for the outcome. No one wants to tell their kids again that Mom has to fight, that we all have to fight. There were a lot of tears and hugs and tears and more hugs…and a lot of praying. We know we aren’t in control and we pray for His peace. We would love for you to pray that for us too, along with your prayers for physical healing.

HOPE FILLED

“And my God will supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus”. (Phil. 4:19) and He does. There is nothing that we would want to go through without Him and His grace. He sent His Son, as a baby, come down from the majesty on high to save wretches like us. If you don’t know Him and if you haven’t experienced the grace that comes from the God of the universe, He will hear your pleas. He hears ours daily and He provides the hope that will sustain us. As I left David’s office after telling him the news that Friday morning, a jeep pulled in front of me as I was coming to the exit of the parking lot. I noticed the license plate as a specialty plate from the University of Iowa. Then I zoomed in on what it said. “3XFIGHT”. I believe God works in the coincidences sometimes. Right then I realized that as Iowa fans look at the plate they would start humming the Iowa fight song “fight, fight, fight for Iowa”. But to me, the message was “third time to fight”. So there you have it. We have heard from some that they have seen the jeep and one who even snapped a picture for me. I am sure it is tootling around town. Our hope is in Him, and we pray that for all of you, our dear friends.

So the next time someone asks in passing “how are you”, I would have to truthfully answer “RICH, oh so very RICH”!

Love from our house to yours!!!

Christopher Robin...oh my HEART!

Everything that this "grown up who loved Pooh as a child and as a mom of little ones" needed. We don't get to the theater much but it is a good thing with this one because right here at home I had plenty of tissues to cover the extreme range of emotions in this movie!

What a WONDERFUL movie for Pooh fans of all ages! I have loved Pooh since childhood and read/watched Pooh with all of my loves. We watched tonight, all of us with popcorn, and a visit from Grandpa and Grandma because Grandma is the reason I loved Pooh as a girl. Silly old bear.

SOOOO many "Pooh-isms" and warm fuzzies that only Pooh can give. Eeyore and Tigger made quite a debut as animated stuffed animals too. Piglet, Owl and the whole gang might just make all of us wonder why we have to grow up.














Well done Ewan McGregor! I wasn't sure I would like Obi Wan Kenobi as Christopher Robin but he was so good. Fun, light-hearted to serious work-a-holic. It was a great reminder to spend the holidays "all in" with the people you love.

There were so many good quotes that I will have to watch it again and again. I think most in the room will be happy to watch again too. If you are a Pooh fan, or even if you didn't know him as a child, this movie was so great.

Pooh and his honey, Piglet and his haycorns, Eeyore and his loose tail-pessimism and of course, Tigger and his bouncing. Oh, and it wouldn't be a Pooh movie without heffalumps and woozles! It was like going back to the hundred acre wood again with grown up eyes, but it was even better because it sometimes does stink to have to grow up and there are certain things that we miss.

I was reminded of a little something visiting my Pooh memories again for a little while tonight:

 Thank you for the memories, Christopher Robin and your silly old bear!

Preparing

I have gradually felt better this week after faithfully taking my antibiotics. As I have felt better, I have done too much these last couple of days. So, tomorrow...I will stick around the house and wrap presents and rest and sew a little and rest and fold some laundry and rest...and you get the picture.

Being told that I will more than likely lose my hair again I have been monitoring the hair in the shower, my hairbrush and every once in awhile I will yank a little in the back and see how much will come out in my hand. It is gradually more every day.

Thinking that I will be able to handle it better with my hair shorter, Johanna got me in today to shape up my style and shorten it considerably. I am hoping that it will last like this through Christmas next week and maybe longer. The less I mess with it the better.

I have had to rely heavily on the rest of the family to have Christmas ready this year. There are presents under the tree but I have had very little to do with the shopping, ordering, or wrapping of them. It is a little nerve racking at this point because I am not quite sure what still needs to be done. I have a few things on my list and FINALLY today I am celebrating because my 12 year old has jammies that he will love. Kohls did not come through for me this year with matching brother jammies so I had to shop around.

There are only a few of the presents for the kids that I even know about so the whole present opening experience for me this year will be a surprise. I know it will be good, David has been very thoughtful with the kids and helping them shop. Like 5 years ago when I wasn't up to shopping the first time we were fighting cancer, we learned all about Amazon Prime and they have never let us down.

I want to send a shout out to my amazing, wonderful and just plain awesome husband for all of the Christmas shopping AND for taking on the morning routine with the kids these last couple weeks so that I can sleep in! It has been dreamy!

A Better Day

I am in my bedroom getting some work done today which is more than I can say for the last two. I spent Monday sleeping and most of Tuesday. Today I got out and shopped for stocking stuffers, had some coffee with a friend and spent the afternoon in my new make-shift office (ie: my bed and a laptop) working on scout stuff. It feels very good to be productive. Tonight is pretty low key around here. The kids had an early out and helped out cleaning up the place. That makes me smile. I told them that they get to leave every morning but this is where I have to hang out most days. I just get tired of looking at their messes!

The blessing of the week would have to be the tip from a friend about Aldi "instacart". My weekly groceries came to me this afternoon while I had a houseful of kids to unpack and put them away. I ordered online and they delivered it right to our kitchen. It is very economical and I am sure that I will get used to this in the months to come! I knew Hy Vee delivered but had no idea that Aldi did too. I know exactly what I need from Aldi every week and so the dreaded trip to the store this week has been avoided.

Tonight I was in the kitchen for the first time since Saturday. Thankful for some friends and Zio Johno's Marion Music Booster fundraiser last night, I haven't had to cook. I have to go slow but the chicken and waffles tonight will taste good! We were blessed on Saturday night to be prayed over by some wonderful friends. I have said it before and I will say it again, God has blessed me with such good people. He has blessed all of the Sloans.

I know some of you like the nitty-gritty so, looks like days 3-5 may be the rough ones this time around. We will see. My familiar side-effect friends are back like the gross taste and dry mouth. It actually makes my tongue feel like my taste buds are swollen. I get dehydrated easily so I am trying to remember to drink as much water as I can. The fatigue seems worse than the last time. Nausea comes and goes and it is definitely manageable. I haven't needed anti-nausea pills at all yet. My nose really loves the chemo and now drips pretty much non-stop. It is always sore and so neosporin up my nose every night is back in my routine.

I was told that I may acquire a rash along the way in the first week so I need to be on the look out for that. It was Monday afternoon when I thought it was weird that my scars were itching. It wasn't til later that night when I was getting ready for bed that I realized that the skin that was radiated two years ago is breaking out and uncomfortably itchy. I have lotion so I slather that on everywhere as I have also been told that my skin will dry out on this regimen. There is always the shaky feeling but when I take it slow and easy, I can usually get things done. As long as this is attacking the cancer with as much enthusiasm as it is attacking the rest of my body, I will endure.

Thank you all who have continued to check in on me and to send your prayers and best wishes. Seeing something in the mail besides bills is always wonderful! I am enjoying everyone's Christmas cards just a little more this year! Love you all!

For Life

Day one of chemo went much better than expected. It was a reunion of sorts with all of the nurses who I again say are amazing. They are so positive and helpful and are true servants. I was a little anxious about the beginning of the Taxitere because it can cause a reaction. They put the steroids and the Benedryl in first to counter it. When I was getting my right hand massaged a new nurse to the infusion room sat down and joined our conversation. About 8 or so minutes after he sat down, I realized that he was here to watch to be sure they would be on top of any reaction I would have. He had already started it while I was talking to my massage friend and I felt JUST FINE (I didn't even know it had started)!!! Huge sigh! It takes about 15 minutes before we are in the safe spot where they know my body is handling it with the help of the cocktail of goodies I get beforehand.

I have a plan. Six rounds of this combo, every three weeks. PET scan after the third one to see how the cancer is responding and then if all is well after the sixth, the Taxitere goes away and I will be on the two immunotherapy drugs "FOR LIFE". I won't lie and say I didn't feel a lump in my throat when I read that. I mean, DUH! I knew that, just to see it was, well, really real. It was on my mind as I got my port accessed and the meds started.

Cindy Bauter...these socks. My VERY
favorite! So I took you along today!

For life. I am a lifetime cancer patient. As I was folding Christmas letters and stuffing envelopes and getting my hands massaged and chatting with the new nurse, I had one of those little conversations in my head about being a cancer patient for life, you know...the negative kind. After the Taxitere was going in and I sat alone, I read the first two chapters of Job. Job's boils and afflictions must have been so bad that he had wished to never have been born. It was somewhere in there that the thought developed further and I realized. For life...it COULD be for life as in for the rest of your life, you HAVE to do this.

OR...the "find it all joy" response could be thankfulness that there is something I can take FOR life, to LIVE. Metastasized cancer is not the death penalty it may have been in times past. So for life, to live to continue fighting this, I will come and I will take my medicine.

I am feeling all right so far. Bone pain comes with the immunotherapy drugs and that is the only thing that I can report for now. My hips and legs have some pain but I can keep on that with pain meds. I have had a little nausea as I move around but nothing that I even feel I need the anti-nausea meds for yet. I am looking very forward to a good night's sleep. I will then focus on Christmas.

Your prayers have been a God-send! Thank you all. The cards and notes. You all are too good to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Hallelujah!

Some days you have to turn off the Hallmark Christmas movies and find a good version of the full Handel's Messiah at Christmas time. Or, maybe its just something you have to do the day before your first round of chemo for your third time fighting this stupid thing called cancer. I am not going to promise anything this time around. I am not sure how many times I will be on the blog posting or how my attitude will be when I am typing out my thoughts. This cloud is darker and heavier than I remember and I do tend to spout yuck when I am not being guarded. And, honestly, it is exhausting to guard every thought, feeling or attitude.

So Handel's Messiah was in order for this morning. I started listening a bit Monday morning but didn't get too far into it, probably because the King of Kings and Lord of Lords knew where my heart would be last night and kept the rest of it for me this morning when the lack of sleep and sick feeling in my stomach needed ministering to.

I sat in the stands at Stacey's basketball game last night in two different worlds. The first world was obvious to all around that there was a basketball game going on. The second was the other world inside my head that would say things to me like "I wonder how many more years you will be here to sit in the stands watching your kids, they are still so young, what a shame". It had me wishing that it were last year when the only thing I was saying to myself inside my head was "Oh shoot...I left the house without wearing Stacey's basketball pin!" Of course, I forgot that last night too!

The heaviness of the beginning of this treatment is quite a bit more daunting this time around. Actually, it is not just the treatment, it is the heaviness of a third diagnosis and the first time that other "M" word I dare not have spoken before "metastasis" was ever uttered. I am going to keep that little word in all lowercase thank you very much because I don't want to dwell on that, but I find myself not being able to shake the cloud.

It is exhausting having such an active mental thinking process going on. To be able to be in the moment with whoever I am with and at the same time being bombarded with the thoughts that pretty much run on repeat. The broken record of negatives. The doctor talks positively about treatments that have at least a 5 year survival outcome. That would be positive to me if I were 80, but at 48, that is actually pretty negative for me. I have already heard from a few who have given me examples of long time remissions in their loved ones or people that they know and I LOVE hearing those stories.  So, in my brain I know no one really knows except for the One who numbers my days and He has always been so good to me.

I am thankful I was somewhat protected from the gloomy dark clouds before. Now my prayer is that I can enjoy the noises in my home and trust in the loving goodness of my God in the little "conversations" that I have in that mental processing. There is no doubt what He has done for me and that where He has me is where I am supposed to be.

I don't claim to have ANY idea of the anguish of Jesus when He asked His Father to take this cup from Him, but I find myself in quite a funk wishing this one that I hold would not be so heavy. If I am to go through this storm, I need to give Him more of what I am carrying. I am not "wrestling with flesh and blood but with principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph 6) It is just not transferring into His possession as quickly or in the same proportion as it has before.


Specific prayer requests for this week would be:

1. That my body will tolerate this chemo/immuno therapy cocktail that I will be taking tomorrow and in the months to come. That it does what it is supposed to do and gets rid of what is in my liver that shouldn't be. Remission!
2. That my mind will rest. That there will be peace in my brain so that I can enjoy the things that are happening all around me (mostly enjoying the amazing people that God has given David and I to live with and grow up in Him).
3. Guard our Christmas celebrations and keep our focus on Him not just for this Christmas season but for every day that we live.
4. That there will be no long term effects of the chemo on my organs and that the side effects they claim are temporary will be just that - temporary.
5. Protection and special grace for those who have and will come forward to help with food and children and well, basically the things of life that I won't be able to do fully for a bit. We are SO thankful!
6. Me...as a wife and a mom. I may not be able to serve my family physically like I will want to in the months ahead, but I still certainly want to be present to share what they will with me.
7. Stacey's legs. Yes...on top of all of this, she is suffering again with compartment syndrome pain and we don't really know what that means for her. Doctor hasn't called me back yet. So...maybe as a start, please pray that he gets in touch with us so we know how to move forward.
8. Precious family time.

Thank you!

Worthy is the Lamb that was slain, and hath redeemed us to God by His blood, to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour and glory, and blessing. Blessing and honour, glory and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb, for ever and ever.

Revelation5:12-14

For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth...Hallelujah!