Hallelujah!

Some days you have to turn off the Hallmark Christmas movies and find a good version of the full Handel's Messiah at Christmas time. Or, maybe its just something you have to do the day before your first round of chemo for your third time fighting this stupid thing called cancer. I am not going to promise anything this time around. I am not sure how many times I will be on the blog posting or how my attitude will be when I am typing out my thoughts. This cloud is darker and heavier than I remember and I do tend to spout yuck when I am not being guarded. And, honestly, it is exhausting to guard every thought, feeling or attitude.

So Handel's Messiah was in order for this morning. I started listening a bit Monday morning but didn't get too far into it, probably because the King of Kings and Lord of Lords knew where my heart would be last night and kept the rest of it for me this morning when the lack of sleep and sick feeling in my stomach needed ministering to.

I sat in the stands at Stacey's basketball game last night in two different worlds. The first world was obvious to all around that there was a basketball game going on. The second was the other world inside my head that would say things to me like "I wonder how many more years you will be here to sit in the stands watching your kids, they are still so young, what a shame". It had me wishing that it were last year when the only thing I was saying to myself inside my head was "Oh shoot...I left the house without wearing Stacey's basketball pin!" Of course, I forgot that last night too!

The heaviness of the beginning of this treatment is quite a bit more daunting this time around. Actually, it is not just the treatment, it is the heaviness of a third diagnosis and the first time that other "M" word I dare not have spoken before "metastasis" was ever uttered. I am going to keep that little word in all lowercase thank you very much because I don't want to dwell on that, but I find myself not being able to shake the cloud.

It is exhausting having such an active mental thinking process going on. To be able to be in the moment with whoever I am with and at the same time being bombarded with the thoughts that pretty much run on repeat. The broken record of negatives. The doctor talks positively about treatments that have at least a 5 year survival outcome. That would be positive to me if I were 80, but at 48, that is actually pretty negative for me. I have already heard from a few who have given me examples of long time remissions in their loved ones or people that they know and I LOVE hearing those stories.  So, in my brain I know no one really knows except for the One who numbers my days and He has always been so good to me.

I am thankful I was somewhat protected from the gloomy dark clouds before. Now my prayer is that I can enjoy the noises in my home and trust in the loving goodness of my God in the little "conversations" that I have in that mental processing. There is no doubt what He has done for me and that where He has me is where I am supposed to be.

I don't claim to have ANY idea of the anguish of Jesus when He asked His Father to take this cup from Him, but I find myself in quite a funk wishing this one that I hold would not be so heavy. If I am to go through this storm, I need to give Him more of what I am carrying. I am not "wrestling with flesh and blood but with principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph 6) It is just not transferring into His possession as quickly or in the same proportion as it has before.


Specific prayer requests for this week would be:

1. That my body will tolerate this chemo/immuno therapy cocktail that I will be taking tomorrow and in the months to come. That it does what it is supposed to do and gets rid of what is in my liver that shouldn't be. Remission!
2. That my mind will rest. That there will be peace in my brain so that I can enjoy the things that are happening all around me (mostly enjoying the amazing people that God has given David and I to live with and grow up in Him).
3. Guard our Christmas celebrations and keep our focus on Him not just for this Christmas season but for every day that we live.
4. That there will be no long term effects of the chemo on my organs and that the side effects they claim are temporary will be just that - temporary.
5. Protection and special grace for those who have and will come forward to help with food and children and well, basically the things of life that I won't be able to do fully for a bit. We are SO thankful!
6. Me...as a wife and a mom. I may not be able to serve my family physically like I will want to in the months ahead, but I still certainly want to be present to share what they will with me.
7. Stacey's legs. Yes...on top of all of this, she is suffering again with compartment syndrome pain and we don't really know what that means for her. Doctor hasn't called me back yet. So...maybe as a start, please pray that he gets in touch with us so we know how to move forward.
8. Precious family time.

Thank you!

Worthy is the Lamb that was slain, and hath redeemed us to God by His blood, to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour and glory, and blessing. Blessing and honour, glory and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb, for ever and ever.

Revelation5:12-14

For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth...Hallelujah!