Last week I googled life expectancy for metastasized breast cancer in the liver.
What starred back at me from my screen was not what I wanted to see. I will be honest. I was feeling down last weekend because of my delayed treatment and thought what would it hurt to actually see what is out there for statistics. Well...that wasn't something that boosted my spirits and not something I would suggest doing when you are getting stir crazy feeling cruddy laying in bed after the 1,367th episode of Monk you have been binge watching and dozing through.
The google search was generic, basic, nowhere did I input what type of cancer it was and whether or not it had gone anywhere else, so I just figured I would quit right there and tell myself this didn't apply to my kind of Her 2+ cancer that can be treated different ways than my non-mutated previous cancer. Doc had told me that she has two patients right now that were doing very well and they have already doubled that google statistic. I wasn't feeling super great mentally but at least I got myself to a place where I was not obsessing on the negative.
I had taken the years that I saw on the screen, and had heard from the doctor and added them to my children's ages. I long for more time than that. Of course I will be taking that to the Keeper of the Stars, the Numberer of my Days, My Creator God and will plead my case. Every.Single.Day.
Yesterday I was under the weight of a ba-zillion un looked at unanswered emails and decided to go through them and see how far I cold get. I have been trying to spend more of the last few days up and about since it isn't great for my lungs to be laying down all day long. I sat at my computer in the kitchen. There had been some test results that the docs office had sent. The computer at my desk is the only one that has my username and password automatically logged in.
I got myself logged in and there were a few tests from the past couple of weeks that I hadn't pulled up and looked at. Two of them were cancer markers in my bloodwork. I looked at the three times since I was diagnosed and saw that there wasn't anything drastic but they had been going up. That didn't sit real well with me. No one has said anything about it in the office so I will just put it on a questions list for next visit. It either doesn't mean anything too serious or they are just waiting for the PET scan to see how things are going.
Then, speaking of scan, there was the result that came back from the CT chest scan I had last week to check for the infection. I saw the pneumonitis diagnosed but also saw that the scan DID go down far enough to catch a glimpse of my liver. "several lesions consistent with metastatic breast cancer". Well, that is exactly what it said in November after the PET scan. I had to stop my obsessing on that and remember that this wasn't specifically a test FOR my liver so there are no measurements, no numbers so I have two weeks to let this new round of chemo do its thing and then we look at the liver.
But what does my mind do with this? Well, process it first I guess, and that is where the not so fun thought are and the clouds move in. I ask myself if this is the best that I can do? I question the journey I am on and talk to God some about whether or not I am in the best office with the best people taking care of me. Then I get to a point where I move from what I don't know to what I DO know:
- My brain had been clearer and my memory better.
- My back spasms have totally gone away when I am laying down.
- There are different kinds of pain in my liver area that make me feel like there indeed is a battle waging there that has to at LEAST equal the battle that my hair is losing. Take THAT cancer!
- If on the PET scan coming up there are lesions that have gotten smaller or little ones that have disappeared by ANY degree it is GOOD news and totally worth it!
- I can rest in knowing I don't know what all these numbers mean. I may be way off in my conclusions - a rocking chair of worry can exhaust you and never get you anywhere!
So there it is...worries, fears all a part of the fight - the fight I GIVE OVER once again this day (as we all should do every day) to the One who can actually bear it on His shoulders and carry it so I don't have to. He wants me to learn to number my days. I don't believe it is for me to know how many days there are left. But instead it is so I wake up in the morning and rejoice for this tomorrow that became today. Its another day to use and fill with following closer to Him and living as the Holy Spirit prompts. Pouring over prayer requests for others and being present - fully present in the lives of my children, loving my husband, checking on my friends and family members.
If that is my to-do list for these days, I stay busy! I am thankful for today and for every single tomorrow He gives me. Life is STILL SO RICH every.single.day.
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