Friday From the Heart: I Don't Feel Good

I have some favorite Psalms that I go to when I am wanting to really pray praise to God, not only for what He has done for me, but mostly for who He is, and His character.

It was yesterday when two different friends who I trust and love, at different times pointed out to me that if I am NOT fine, don't say I am FINE! I hate that, I want to be fine, I want to uplift and encourage people. Reports on chemo and what this whole struggle is doing to me and my family is not the best and most uplifting thing to put out there.

I got into my bed last night with the Psalms and searched for some others. David, the Psalmist and "man after God's own heart" has many other Psalms recorded in his book. Many of them are during times when he didn't feel God's presence and he was looking and praying, and PLEADING for a way out.

• "Lord, I cry out to You; make haste to me! Give ear to my voice when I cry out to You"
• "Deliver me, O Lord from evil men; Preserve me from violent men"
• "Oh Lord, do not rebuke me in Your wrath, Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure! For Your arrows pierce me deeply, and Your hand presses me down,"
• "May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble, May the name of the God of Jacob defend you."

Those are just a few. Is it okay not to feel good, or to at times feel like God is far away? Well, I think that "the man after God's own heart" has shown me that this is true right there in God's word. I don't feel an absence of God so much as I just feel physically and mentally drained.

Round four, and they told me that it would be rough by round four. I think the main problem with me is that I just don't want to slow down. I want to keep up with my life and my family and my activities. So mentally, I think if I were to be truthful, for those who won't settle for "fine" I would say the daily ins and outs of this is weighing. The activities, the people I don't see regularly, the burden of finances as there are less dollars and many more bills, all of the little side effects that may not get me flat down in bed everyday but make me everyday "mental". 

• eyes that are irritated
• random tears and drippy nose
• taste buds that are either numb or not tasting (I posted on Facebook yesterday that I couldn't even drink a whole coffee on National Coffee Day - okay, that is a pretty lame thing to complain about, but there it is)
• tummy troubles - all kinds, take your pick
• fatigue, falling asleep when I really would rather do something with my family
• not being able to work
• fear of upcoming change in protocol and the NEW side effects
• headaches
• heaviness in my chest and legs
• bone pain
• constant feeling of shakiness all over when I move
• getting winded when I get up from a chair or walk down the hallway

So I admit, when I say "fine" I am just leaving out the above list. It was my son who asked me last night "Mom, are you feeling okay today"? After hearing from my friends earlier in the day that I shouldn't tell people I am fine if I am not fine, I answered him with "No, I don't feel very well today". He told me that he knows because when I don't feel good I snap at everyone more and I seemed a little stressed today.

BUSTED! By my kid. Because on top of all the chemo, I still want to be a good mom and because life doesn't stop for chemo, I still spend time contemplating my parenting and where David and I are leading our kids on their way to adulthood. Unfortunately in my weakened state I have been pondering my parenting and focusing on a few negatives. I know...grace, God will fill in the holes.

So this Friday from the heart, I will be honest, and truthful and nitty-gritty. It is what it is and I am still thankful that I get to worship a God who thinks this is the path for me. I do not love every minute of it, but I can say that I am learning to be more honest and more compassionate as I have to become the receiver. I like being the giver much better.

I can give a little of myself away here and maybe that is where I find comfort in the whole blogging experience. So thank you, those who have been reading and keeping up with what is going on. We are never truly alone in our struggles.

Psalm 139:1-14

"O Lord, You have searched me and know me, You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? if I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall fall on me', Even the night shall be light about me; Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." 

This is why I stand, even when I am shaking inside. This is why I smile when I feel "not fine". I may not be feeling fine, but if I have to be still, I can KNOW! (Psalm 46:10)

Small Things Are Sometimes Big Things

Look at my van key! It is hanging on a key chain and I am BEYOND thrilled! I have to send a HUGE shout out to my friend Emily Hoffman who read my blog back in July while I was recovering from surgery and offered her assistance.

It took me a few months (and two more times of locking my key in the van) before I remembered she had told me she thought she could help. See, these silly new keys with the chip and the fob built into the actual key cost around $250 to replace at the dealership and the plastic ring part of my old key had broken so I couldn't put it on a keychain.

When you are trying to keep track of just one key, it drops without hearing it (which was the case in the blog I had written), or, I will think I slipped it into my pocket when I had actually put it in my purse and then decided without thinking to leave my purse and take just my phone while I watch soccer (yea, you probably read that post a few weeks back!)

I stopped in at John's Lock and Key where Emily works and she showed me that they have the skeleton part of the plastic fob and can transfer the "innards" from the factory key into the plastic. Maybe some people knew about that but I didn't. Cool! As long as the chip and everything is in the new the key can be used to start the van. I am not paying for the expensive insides because she could transfer that into the new case.

She also made me a flat key that fits into the case of my phone, just in case one of those days come when I am distracted and the van key is in my purse in the locked van. That just made my day and I wanted to be sure you all knew where you can go if you need some help like this! Thank you Emily and John's Lock and Key!

Survivor Files: Chemo #4 - DONE!

I have a confession to make...I have been fearing that I am losing some of my ability to write my thoughts down coherently. I have skipped a few days. Mainly because I have been feeling bad and don't like how those thoughts often come out on paper (although one of my goals is to be honest and share honestly). Sometimes the sentences don't come together...like maybe chemo fog has set in.

Maybe the way to overcome this fear is to just type it out and see how it sounds. Today was chemo day #4. The girls were going to come with me and I wish that they could have but then it ended up being picture day at school and so I told them to go to school. That left me going to chemo by myself. And that isn't bad. Obviously, a different dynamic because it is just me interacting with the nurses who are always so great!

Hand massage today again which I love...I wrote awhile in my journal, caught up with my Dice with Buddies games and crocheted a couple rounds on a new hat. Oh...and my HAT! I was torn this morning about what to wear because Betsy and her mom had blessed me with a couple new outfits at her LuLaRoe party a couple weeks ago. (talk about comfy!) But, since I was going by myself and I had just finished sewing this fun new hat, (see the picture) I went with the hat and my most comfy pair of blue jeans. Got lots of compliments, that lifted my spirits for sure!

The last couple of steps to the pattern didn't really make sense to how the hat is supposed to look so I improvised and I think it turned out good. I will have to write a post one of these days about my observations going out with my wig vs. a hat or scarf. I am more comfortable usually in a hat or scarf because it is not as warm as the wig, but the reactions I get from strangers in public is totally different. We will save that for another day.

Nothing really to report, other than it was a peaceful morning and I am THRILLED that I made it (or I should clarify...I am making it) through the roughest stuff. The next 12 weeks starting on October 11th will be one drug and the side effects will be different. I think I mentioned before that the main concern for this new drug will be neuropathy. Losing feeling in my fingers and toes first. They want me to keep them posted on the littlest changes. It is a cumulative thing so week by week could change. And, some people can have permanent issues. So, there is a prayer for the prayer warriors.

I do think that with my level of crochet and knitting, I could keep doing that without feeling it, but I certainly don't want to. One other thing that my nurse told me is that some have a reaction to the first time or two they get this drug. The nurse will be monitoring me for the first half hour or so. If I was to have a reaction they know exactly what to do but I may not want the girls to come until week three or four til we see how I handle it. David said he is my date for October 11th. I am glad, we have gone through a lot together. So reaction or no reaction he is my first choice.

So specific prayers:

• Miraculously NO neuropathy (lets pray BIG!)
• No reaction to the new drug 
• PRAISE...Ryan asked to see my bald head for the first time and gave me a thumbs up!
• PRAISE...great conferences for the children last week!
• PRAISE...ONE teenager has a learners permit (we celebrate every one if it is only one today!)
• Please pray that two more teenagers will pass the test this week...this whole permit thing is turning out more stressful than I thought it would be. (a little more emotional) But I understand.
• Please pray that these last two weeks of the double whammy drugs will work their way through me without too much interference.
• Please pray that I will rest...somewhere in my schedule. I need to get back to my afternoon nap for a few days.
• Pray that the new eye ointment will help my overnight dry and tired eye problem.
• Praise for the book of Ephesians and the new fall Bible studies!
• PRAISE that the flood in CR has not been as bad as they were predicting. David may be back in his office tomorrow to get things back up and running!

THANK YOU ALL!!! 

"Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throught all ages, world without end. AMEN"  Ephesians 3:20-21

Update On My Arm

I went to the surgeons office on Friday morning so that she could see how the antibiotics have been working that I started on Sunday. The doctor in the walk in clinic said that it looked like the start of an infection. In an arm with missing lymph nodes I was glad that we took action quickly. Now instead of bright red and warm, it just looks like there is a bruise on the inside of my elbow. It is still painful but not too bad.

The surgeon took one look at it and told me that it is what is called thrombophlebitis. She assured me that it is most likely superficial which is actually a real thing. You can read about it here if you are so inclined. This is something that can happen after lymph node removal. Since it is superficial there is no need for blood thinners but I need to take Tylenol or ibuprofen and use cool or warm packs depending how it feels.

I have developed cording which is described in more detail when I looked up Axillary Web Syndrome. I had read about it after the surgery when I had these type of pains and when it felt like they had taken the lymph nodes out and inserted a rubber band along the armpit and inner arm all the way down to my wrist and then tightened it as tight as they could. I have gotten almost to full range on my right arm but there are times when the pain returns for a day or more.

I am happy that whatever is going on shouldn't affect my last round of the "bad stuff" coming up on Tuesday. We certainly don't want to drag this out any longer than we have to! There is also a little confession I have to make. I posted this nice and restful looking picture of me but I haven't been very restful. I have had FUN but I haven't been sleeping as well. Time to slow down for a few days.

A Musical Update

So, this happened about 20 minutes before I left for the cross country meet yesterday! Zachary got his trumpet! He got it right out and showed me the mouth piece and repeated everything he learned about how to take care of it and how it goes in the case!

It just goes to show that if a kid is interested in something, they will remember everything they need to know. He showed me how to warm up his lips with the mouthpiece, and then how to hold it and where his fingers go on the valves.

Then he gave me a little demonstration. I will have to say, there were some rough notes, but he did not let that stop anything. There were many very good clear notes too. He actually went up a scale three notes and looked at me with a surprise!

He had it out a few times tonight working on making some good sound. I am sure that I am going to love hearing him practice and learn on this another new adventure.

Meanwhile, I will have to get to the music store because two eighth graders are going to be trying their hand at marching band at the Marion Invitational this weekend. The eighth graders are doing an exhibition on Saturday. They are both excited to try that out and I am excited to see it!

A Little Cross Country

I had a busy day yesterday including a dentist appointment, a massage at the clinic (which did wonders for my arm and shoulder that has been fighting this infection). I visited with a friend in the afternoon in my living room for some down time too.

Marion was running at my favorite cross country course after school and this meet the high school would be there too. So, my mom, sister, niece and friend jumped into the van and drove up to Center Point. I donned my long sleeve shirt and brimmed hat (it was sunny) and we tootled on up to watch Ryan (middle school boys) and Bri (varsity) run. I also got to see the middle school girls before we left.

I think it was the strongest I have seen Ryan run and I am so proud of him. He keeps working and taking a little more off his time. It is also good for him in basketball season keeping up his endurance. You can really tell during basketball season which boys/girls also run. I love the Center Point course because there are so many good places to cheer the runners on without having to move too much. For me these days, that is a huge plus.

He was the fifth Marion finisher in the 7th/8th race. Varsity girls took first place in the meet, they have an incredible group of runners! We are proud of them all!

A Taste of Parenthood

We had a new member of the family for an overnight visit last night. Stacey named her Addylin. The first of three eighth graders in our house brought home "the baby", and to think we get to do this two more times this year!

Stacey had her little overnight area set up in the living room and didn't want anyone else to do anything in case we might bounce her too hard or cause anything else that would take away from her grade. (She has always been a little nurturer and I am glad she was able to smile this morning when she turned the baby back in).

The evening was difficult and one of my favorite quotes I heard from her was "Mom, how did you do this with three babies?" I decided I kinda like this assignment. There was one time in the middle of the night where the baby ate for 45 minutes! I just nodded and smiled.

I believe that Dawn will be our next "overnight parent". Ryan's turn will come later in the year. Good life lessons.