Friday From the Heart: The Little Girl In That Big Desk

She sat quietly in the large over sized desk that had been pulled out of one of the classrooms close by. When the big kids walked past looking at her, she just knew they were thinking that she was naughty. It was the mid 1970's and she attended a school in a small community in southern Minnesota. The building housed all of grades K-12 stretched across one of the town blocks. She usually spent her days on the other end where each student in the district began their school career as kindergartners.

But, today was a special day. Today the kindergartners had walked all the way from their end of the school through the halls until they got to the big gym. Today was the day, the annual Christmas program would be tonight and they were there to practice, a dress rehearsal of sorts. There was an excitement as they made their way through the school to where the big kids were in class. She knew her classmates were excited about their families coming to see the program later in the evening.

She also knew as she sat, that her family would not be there. She didn't celebrate Christmas. She didn't understand it all back then but what she had learned was that no one knows exactly when Jesus was born and the Bible doesn't tell us to celebrate Jesus' birth so her family didn't.

Oh how she tried not to like the sweet song about that baby as the notes and words  floated out to where her ears could hear. Her grandma had taught her a song on her organ called "Jesus Loves Me" and she got that same feeling when she heard about that baby, the one with "no crib for a bed". The words almost sounded prayer like and every time she heard it she couldn't help but be drawn to it.

She knew she shouldn't be. They had practiced for the last month or so and every time she, sitting outside of the music room, heard every song. And now she sat outside the door of the big gym in that big kid desk where she could hear it all again. She tried not to, but there was something about the baby in that song.

As the years went by she grew and learned more about why Christmas wasn't something her family celebrated. She sat outside a few more music rooms through the years too. She was eighteen when she understood Jesus as her Savior and knew she should ask Him to forgive her sins and be baptized. Not too many years after that she started to read more in her Bible about what she thought she believed.

It wasn't until she was married and working in a small office where a local radio station played all day over the speakers, that things started to click for her. During December they would play holiday songs like most stations do. Manheim Steamroller recorded a beautiful song, a rendition of Silent Night that would always cause her to stop for a bit and just listen. That little twinge would come to her again "I'm not supposed to like this song".

She would read parts in her Bible that she didn't understand and asked for wisdom with a heart that wanted to know and to be His. Romans 11 and Galatians 3 were important to her in that the church does not replace Israel and that salvation because of His blood and His love, is for everyone who believes, not just a special group of people. It is all about Him.

With a better understanding and a growing trust in the sovereignty of God through some of life's tough storms, Christmas became very important for her. From the very first one she celebrated as an adult in 1997 to today, each year brings November and Thanksgiving to begin the season. Every Christmas for her begins with thanks.

It was during one of her times with Him, during her favorite time of year, when she realized that the very creator of the entire universe came to the earth in the body of a baby. She pondered that for a very long time. And, she remembered the song, the song about the Baby. With a love like that, "veiled in flesh the Godhead", she understood better the sacrifice that He came for ONE REASON, to die for her sins, to love her THAT MUCH! It made her not only see herself in a different Light, but see everyone around her differently. All redeemable by the very Lord of the Universe!

She had to accept that gift. She knew it wasn't her own choice, but it was His back in that hallway outside the high school gym. It was there where He called to her heart and let her know that she was His. So, if you ever see her at the Christmas Eve service singing with her family and it is time for Away in a Manger, you will see tears rolling off of her cheeks. Every time she hears the voices of her children sing about that Baby - the Lord of this Universe, veiled in flesh, she remembers the little girl and how God called her to Himself in that public school hallway.

Three More Weeks

I love how chemo has become a three hour interruption. I am not planning my life around it or focusing on it at this point. There are still plenty of things that I can do and actually go a few minutes/hours if I am lucky without thinking I am a sick cancer patient. I love that I can "snap back" to reality after going for awhile without it being the focus.

That being said, the week has rolled around and back to Tuesday. By the time I get this posted it will be Wednesday but, you know what I mean. I got up and put on some leggings and warm winter boots, and my long hair (I was cold this morning) and headed out to the clinic. Parking was a problem and I had to drive around to the parking deck and walk all the way through to the other end and down the stairs. Not a big deal in the pre-chemo days but I was huffing and puffing today.

It was a longer wait in every room this time and there were again, a lot of people today. Of course it was, I had an appointment at 2 to be home and having coffee with a friend. It is always a lot easier to get in and out when there is nothing pressing on my calendar but I digress. 

My weekly chat about bodily functions with my nurse was fun as always. Happily to report, there were no nosebleeds this week! But, over night my right hand and lower arm had become swollen and that is never a good sign.

You can see by comparison, it is definitely looking different than my left hand. There was a small little pocket below my ring finger and pinky last night that was painful but this is what I woke up to. Boo.

So this morning I get to take a new pill that as my nurse put it "you will want to be close to the bathroom for awhile until you know how your body reacts. It will be trying to get rid of all this excess fluid". Thankfully, some of it has gotten better as I was down a few pounds. So, a little good news.

We discussed my call in on Monday to see if we could up my neuropathy meds. Over the weekend it was awful. The pain in the tips of my fingers was really causing a lot of frustration just trying to do day to day things. Picking things up, typing, trying to keep a pen in my hand. Ugh...the additional pill I added actually started helping a little Monday night and I was given permission to add another every three days to see if we can get it under control for these last few weeks. We don't want permanent damage.

So, here they are...the jumbo pill bottles. I have never had a pill bottle so big! Some may have seen these before but wow...these could be what saves the ends of my fingers before all is said and done and I will be happy to do what it takes to be able to do the things I love to do with my fingers. Meanwhile I watch White Christmas and sing at the top of my lungs to get my mind off of the pain it takes to bind off a knitted project from my needles. Whatever. It. Takes! Christmas is coming! I have projects.

Over all the day went well. I rested a little more when I got home, like I said with a friend and coffee. Johnse and Lauren stopped by while I was in the middle of chemo. A welcome distraction since it was just about the time I get the creepy crawlies under my skin that make me want to get out of there! I was by myself today listening to Christmas music and knitting a little, reading a little and surfing my phone a bit too.

Unfortunately, Tuesday evening my nose started bleeding and I am still waiting for it to stop. Ugh. I guess skipping the Neosporin for two nights isn't a good thing! David told me I jinxed it by telling the nurse that I didn't have any this week. Thankfully the quilt I was working on didn't suffer any damage but I will have to spot treat and soak my green LuLaRoe Irma! It didn't fare quite as well.

I am thankful today for fingers that can type more comfortably than the last few days and I am hoping to post on a few other things this week besides cancer/chemo junk. Life is so much more awesome than that. Thankful to all of you for your continued prayers, we are going to get through this!

I think of John 15:14 "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends". So many of you have laid down a part of your lives...the time in your kitchens to make a meal, the time at your desk or place where you write notes and cards that you send. Some of you give your time praying for us, not just me, but those who are close, my loves who have to go through this thing too.

Thank you all...friends and family near and far. We do not take your thoughts of us for granted and are humbled again and again by your love.

Ten Years Ago Today

Max and Zachary on their "one fine day"

It is something that you can't un-remember. The details of that day still play in my mind as I sit and ponder. I even remember what meal was cooking on the stove when the phone rang. We haven't ever had that meal here in this house again. It is hard to believe that it has been ten years already.

Ten years ago today...something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy let alone for your brother and his wife. It was the Christmas season and our minds were on Christmas things, present buying, decorations, planning food for family events. That night we were getting ready for our church's Christmas program.

We didn't make it to the church. Instead we drove north to Mason City crying and trying to explain death and heaven to three four-year-olds who were so sad and yet still so curious and full of questions. My secret hope was that they would just stay quiet once we arrived because they were known to say whatever was on their mind.

Max was with our family for 3 1/2 short months. Since they were living in Mason City when he was born, we visited together only two times in person in his little lifetime. Max is Zachary's "twin cousin". Once the grandchildren started with Jeremy and Loretta's Jake and Marissa, Mom and Dad went from 2 grandkids to 8 in one year with the arrival of their twins, Johanna and Bryan's Brianna and our triplets in the span of one year.

Since then, each cousin has been born within 6 months of another. Zachary was born in June and Max came in August of 2006. He often will talk about Max and how he wishes Max could stay here. He wonders what video games Max would like best, if he would play an instrument, or play soccer.

I love this picture...Betsy's sleepy new mommy again
look.

We traveled up to Mason City when Max was about a month old. Betsy and I had been pregnant together and had shared that great experience. I had told her about this great onsie outfit I had found for Zachary that said "Max and Me" on the front. Zach was decked out in that when we arrived.

We hung out there for a few hours and talked about how things were going with a newborn and of course took a bunch of pictures of our boys. I always think of that day as our "One Fine Day". Sy and Betsy were weary with the "we have a newborn in the house" look but there were smiles and it was a happy day.

That is what I like to remember when I think of Max. That fine day and then sometimes Zachary and I imagine what he would be like today, a ten year old just like him. We get sad sometimes as it should be. Max is definitely a very tangible "treasure in heaven" for our family. We look forward to being able to see him again.









We pray for Josiah and Betsy on his birthday and December 13th in extra measure. The pain is still there but let me tell you, I am so proud to be their sister. As I have watched them and been close by these last ten years, I have seen their faith grow and I have seen them share their story with others who need to hear it. I see them loving and serving people and I see the spirit of Max in their lives as they give and love those around them.

In the midst of the worst thing any parent can experience, they have turned toward God not understanding how this could be His best for them, but trusting and moving forward with a faith that works. You can see it as they raise their three boys here on earth and you can see the beauty of an eternal perspective.

We all got a clearer a glimpse into eternity when Max left ten years ago.





Love you Sy and Bets, Syler, Eli and Jonah!

No One Calls Me Mommy Anymore

I was wrapping a few presents we picked up today as we were out and about. As I made out the tags I got to this one. Something has happened between last year and this year. It didn't seem right to sign "Mommy and Daddy" on Matthew's present. There is always a year that it happens, my children one by one have grown out of the "Mommy" stage.

It hit me today that I am here once again but this time for the last time. I was Mommy last year but for Matthew, second grade is the moving on year. It is okay, once I took that initial gulp of realization. I enjoy all of the milestones and I celebrate them with each child.

David has the remaining Friday's of the year off since we haven't been able to take any vacations this year. He has been doing school drop off duty for the older kids since back this fall when I was in the hospital. He has been sweet to give me an extra hour every morning since the middles schoolers start at 7:30. Matthew doesn't start til 8:30 and today he took Matthew too. Then we sat and chatted over coffee for an extended period of time. We had a few things to accomplish today going out and looking for some good deals.

Christmas shopping is a little more strategic this year because of our budgetary limitations. We had a coupon for wings so we stopped for lunch and to evaluate our progress. I drew out my regular Christmas diagram. We are doing about as well as we usually are at this time of December.

I have been watching the dates on my coupons and using a lot of them and so far so good. I could use a few more good ideas but I have two or three more places to stop and they are the places where if I don't have anything in particular in mind, I can get some good ideas.

One of my favorite things is taking the kids out for their shopping which I still get to do with some of them. I love watching them think of each other and what they might like to buy or make for their siblings.

T-Minus: FOUR!!!!!!

Four more Tuesdays is all we have left! It was an interesting morning as I reported about how my week went. Neuropathy has calmed with the addition of two more pills to go along with the one I was taking. There is a great deal of pain in the tips of my fingers but things are better in every other way. I can call in if I think we need to increase. I may be doing that this week, it all depends on the pain and if it gets harder to do the day to day things.

There was a lot more focus on the nosebleeds I have had this week. I felt terrible on Friday, like I had the flu with aches and the feeling of just wanting to climb back into bed. This went on through Saturday and wasn't quite as bad on Sunday. I had at least one nosebleed a day from Thursday-Sunday. My nurse checked my nose and said it looked awful. So, now after a nasal rinse (which I had been doing) she told me I needed to coat both sides with vaseline but preferably neosporine since she thought there could be infection. Fun.

On Friday late afternoon I started having pain in my forearm like I had back toward the beginning of chemo where the surgeon told me I had thrombophlibitis. Since it was Friday I just did what she told me to do last time and use Tylenol or Ibuprofen for the pain and heat/cold which ever was more comfortable. I also massaged upward toward my shoulder as much as I could stand. It never turned red or warm thankfully and my nurse today told me to add baby aspirin so that anything clotting can break up. As an update...tonight as I type I can tell that it has hurt but am surprised that the pain is very minimal. So WOO HOO!

Another red flag came up when the scale showed that I had gone up 5 pounds in weight this week. My nurse said this is definitely fluid as she could tell by looking at me. (So I really DO look like a sick cancer patient like the one I have seen in the mirror too!) On the up side, you have heard people all the time say "it is just water weight". I got to hear the confirmation from my nurse! They put an extra med in my protocol today that will help. So, more water for me this week and I had to get up a few times during treatment to go to the bathroom.

Then, on the way to my appointment, I mentioned to Mom that I haven't been hearing well for awhile and think I will talk to my ENT in the spring when I go back for the thyroid stuff. She thought we should mention it to the nurse so we did. She told us that some of the meds I take can effect hearing so she looked in my ears. Seems that I could hear better in my right ear without the nasty wax that she found. She couldn't see anything. So...Debrox for me!

Here is the 3 point shot my niece Bri made
during the JV game!

So now it is like a super fun party in my bathroom before bed! Neosporin up my nose, debrox and suctioning wax out of my ears, dutifully checking all scars for any lumps, washing off all of the drawn on facial features so I can draw again tomorrow, and admiring the 1/8 inch hair growing out of my scalp! (WOO HOO!) Treatment went well, nothing much to report about. There were a lot of people there today in various stages of their protocol.

Stacey is third from the left.

I got to have lunch with Mom and actually got excited about doing some shopping. (I love the steroid infusion!) Then, while Matthew's wrestling, the JV girls basketball game was going on in the gym so Stacey and I watched. Marion's girls have worked hard and they are fun to watch. When Matthew was done we all stayed for the varsity game which was a blow out. We started cheering for the other team too during the second half. They left with 5 points total. Matthew had fun with math through the game as he told me with every few baskets how much we were leading. At the end we lead by 66 points. Crazy game.

During the half time of the varsity game the middle school teams were recognized and these teams have been having a great year too. So again this week, what started with chemo has ended up to be a fun day. I am very blessed with a lot of things in life to distract me. It has been a big day. There were a couple of times when it hit me today that there are only four of these left. Only four more posts where I update you on my week and how chemo went. From then on we will see...

We will be conferencing with the Mayo Clinic to determine whether we will be moving on to radiation or not. I am not quite a textbook case so I am thankful that my doctors are seeking more input and that more eyes are seeing my chart. When it comes our turn to make some of the decisions coming up we feel confident that we have the information we will need.

I am thankful that the peace that I have been given still fills my days and that God has blessed me with very few missed scheduled activities and many opportunities to cling to Him when life is out of sorts and uncertain. That is what has really been the difficult part of these last eight treatments and the four that still remain. No week has been the same as far as how I feel and so I don't really know what to expect day to day.

What I have found is that I am much more thankful for the good days and much more thankful for the people who come around me on those not so good days and encourage, send a note or stop by for a face to face visit. For those who have told me that they are keeping up with my blog and appreciate knowing how things are going. I am humbled by all of it and thankful.

Psalm 136:26 "Oh give thanks unto the God of heaven: for His mercy endures forever"

Family Christmas Traditions

 

We have a few things we like to do during the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family. This year when it came time to set up the Jesus tree, I chose the dining room. Like most years, the pre-lit lights didn't all come on when I plugged it in. David was able to fix it by the time we got home from scouts tonight. We will be taking off the prelit lights at the end of this season and pack a good set of lights in the tree box.

So far the evergreen tree, the lights, the red bows, the Bibles and the framed pictures of each child are hanging on the tree. If you want to know more about our tradition of the Jesus Tree, you can read more about it here.

We also gave the kids their ornaments and drew for our family's Christmas eve gift exchange. This gift can be something homemade or a small little something special for the person receiving the gift. It is completely secret so if you are small and have a little trouble you can ask ONE parent to help.

It is fun to share the traditions with the kids and they are always so excited. This year I was able to find ornaments for them on Thanksgiving weekend so I had them and the names in the treasure chest ready. Every year I am waiting for an ornament I ordered or some other reason stalls the gift name drawing. This year I had everything ready on Thanksgiving weekend but no one even asked "when are are going to do the gift exchange?" Every other year I get pestered until the last of the ornaments are purchased and sometimes it takes a little longer.

I think this year is the earliest we have ever drawn for Christmas Eve. I think we should have enough time to think of something special! It is starting to feel a lot more like Christmas around here.

Our First Wrestling Meet

Matthew had his first wrestling meet today and it was a learning experience for him and me. Mostly him. He has been in the Little Indians Wrestling Club since kindergarten but we haven't really done an actual tournament til today.

There are some even by second grade that have a lot of experience and in a way I feel bad we haven't gotten him to a tournament til now but I think he learned a lot today and he will be better prepared for next time. I know that he will be paying closer attention when his coaches are teaching at practices.

He may have placed fourth but he worked pretty hard for that trophy! As tough as it was for him (he said the biggest thing that he learned is that wrestling hurts), he said he likes to wrestle and wants to keep doing it. 

Watching him stick with it and fight til the end each time was kinda fun. It is fun to watch your kid take a challenge and run with it. I think that I can go along for this ride.