Friday From the Heart: Done

I just hit Ctrl A and delete to get rid of the last 30+ minutes of typing for me. You all don't need to hear my whining but yet, I feel like that is all I have been doing in the last 24 hours. You would think that the day after my last day of radiation I would be throwing a party and celebrating but yet, when I left the office yesterday with my certificate and bottle of sparkling cider it was a darkening shade of blue that was hanging in the air.

It makes no sense to me. And to those of you who have also suffered with anxiety or depression it may sound all too familiar. My first anxiety attack started in the salon when I was getting my nails done. Who in the world is anxious when they are getting their nails done by the same person who has done them for you for four years? It was my most peaceful place back in 1997. But yet, I was trying to decide on my way home if I should take the exit to the hospital (I thought for sure I was having a heart attack), or just go home and lie down.

Last time donning the pink backwards gown!

It is like you get through what would seem to be the most anxious times on adrenaline and then when you least expect it BAM anxiety comes to disturb your peace. My blue times when the depression hits are like that too. Why in the world should I be discouraged and depressed when I am DONE with all the intensity that has been cancer treatment in the last eight months? I have no idea. God is still HUGE and is still over all. It isn't like there is some kind of shaking of my faith. I am just blue. At the end of my radiation, I am blue. Go figure.

Despite that, the kids are home for the beginning of spring break and I am so glad to have them. The busy-ness and noise of people in the house makes me happy. They know that I am not moving at full speed and are good to help when the stretching of the burnt and peeling skin is too much. Laundry is the worst. There will be no posting of the current look of my armpit but as I compare what I see in the mirror to what I posted it is no comparison. I have determined that some of my blue comes from ever present discomfort of my upper right quadrant...with every move. The best time of day is when I have slathered all the reddish/purplish skin and gotten settled in my bed with comfy pillows and blankets. For about an hour I can lay there reading and almost forget what it looks like and feels like under my pajama top! I look forward to that all day.

I do have to say that a box full of fabric from my aunt in today's mail definitely cheered me up! A couple days ago she said she was going to send some to me when she had a chance to get to the post office so I wasn't expecting it two days later but YAY! I am looking forward to some time with my machine this evening after supper. I have a couple of quilts in the works and a few more in my head. Tomorrow I hope that I can jump into some serious work in my bedroom. I think part of my problem is that my room has been such a mess lately that I can't go back there and just rest for a little bit. I think focusing on some clutter areas, ironing some clothes and vacuuming will do me some good.

I am blessed beyond what I deserve to have the husband and kids that I have. A special word about David...this time around things have been so different than last time. I sang his praises back in the days when he was packing daikon strips into open wounds as I cried with the pain. He was doctoring at every turn, whatever the doctor's instructions were, he was either doing them or making sure that I was taking care of the things I could do myself.

This time around though I have had a hard time really including him in the actual treatment. He works during the day and so he certainly didn't have to come to chemo with me every week. He came once when I was afraid of the new Taxol protocol and possible reaction to it. He was the one I wanted there in case anything were to happen. It was awesome to have him in the ER waiting room while we waited to get in last fall when I spiked a fever. He got me settled in the ER room but had to get home to be sure that the household ran smoothly in the morning when everyone else had to get to school. My job was to stay in the hospital and get the rest I needed. He came with me to radiation once to see how it all worked but there was no reason that he had to come every day with me and I wouldn't want him to.

Things have just been different this time. Almost like it is "old hat" for me and so I didn't want to bother him to have to be there with every appointment or treatment. So now I sit here at the end of the treatment period and feel grateful for all he has done while I have not been able. Then I wonder what our new normal will look like. Thinking of our 25th anniversary coming up in August and all that "marriage" has meant to these two...him and I. I look forward to talks that don't include "how was chemo today?" or "what did the doctor say?" What was that like? To be honest, I look forward to finding out.