Cancer Files: Calm My Anxious Heart

I have a book that sits on my shelf.  It has been pulled down now and then during the last 15 years to use as a reference when I let my emotions get a little out of control.  On rarer occasions I read through it again cover to cover.  I love this book.  So many of the points the author Linda Dillow writes are the type that make you say to yourself "duh!" but so often slip our minds when we are out living our everyday lives.

Here is an example of a quote she includes from George MacDonald: "It has been well said that no man ever sank under the burden of the day.  It's when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear.  Never load yourselves so, my friends.  If you find yourselves so loaded, at least remember this: it is your own doing, not God's He begs you to leave the future to Him and to mind the present."

Here are a few more gems of wisdom to remember: "Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength", or "Paul commands us to have nothing to do with anxiety and everything to do with prayer.  Sadly, many of us reverse this and worry about everything, praying only as a last resort!" or, "Goethe, the German philosopher, put it: 'things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.'"

Today I got my book back from a dear friend who has borrowed it for the last few months when she was going through a difficult time.  What a treasure to sit down tonight and again read through the first chapter.

A Little Help With Kitchen Work

For those who are checking back to see how I am coming on my list, well...Ryan and I have made progress on that last cabinet in the kitchen that needs to be re installed.  He took out the tracks that the shelves run on before the painting.  We worked together last night to get them back in.  Now that is done and the things that belong in there are back where they belong.

It was a little overwhelming to me as I watched him with the tools.  There are glimpses that I get every so often into the future as I see that my child is growing up and taking on more and more responsibility, willing to do more to help and be part of the projects that David and I are doing.

It impressed me to see how he remembered exactly how the tracks came out so he could put them back in the same way.  It impressed me how he could barely fit into the cabinet to reach the back screw and nail to attach it.  (I used to hold his little head in my hand!) I loved to watch him take on a challenge and have a sense of accomplishment.

Now he has moved down to the basement helping his dad with that new "computer lab" they are setting up down there.  Where have my little ones gone?

Cancer Files: Is this Nesting?

Bathroom closet before

This whole cancer diagnosis certainly did not come at a very convenient time for me!  I started a major kitchen update in May on my birthday that is still in various stages of disarray.  Our bathroom closet has been on the list to finish for a couple of years and I have been working on purging all kinds of things to simplify our home and be sure that everything that is here has a place.

So, now we are looking to next week and surgery.  I have been feeling a sense of urgency to get everything back as close to cleaned up as possible.  The only feeling that I can compare this too is when I was pregnant and was nesting.  I don't want to lay around recovering looking at all the things that I need to accomplish.  So, before next Wednesday, knowing that I can't accomplish EVERYTHING, I have decided I will:

Loading shelves (after purging a TON)

• Finish painting and re install the last cabinet doors in the kitchen (only two left)
• Cook and freeze a few meals for the family so they stay fed while I recuperate.
• Finish painting the bathroom closet door and put all of the bathroom stuff back in the closet (and out of my living room corner!) - OH WAIT!  I did that yesterday! CHECK!
• Put everything that I possibly can back into the kitchen cabinets in their new home (and once again, out of my living room!)
• Clean my desk!
• Take clothes piled in my bedroom to Good Will (so much for the garage sale at the beginning of the summer)
• Take the kids to the pool a couple more times.
• Attend my cousin's wedding on Saturday...can't miss a good party when there are things to celebrate!

New door after 3 coats of paint

That should take care of the time between now and next Wednesday.  Now if the migraine I have had for the last couple days would GO AWAY, I would be able to make progress much faster!

One Company's Trash is This Family's Home Computer Lab

They were throwing out some old computers at work, so my husband loaded them up into the back of the car and brought them home.

Having the foresight to think of homework and communication needs of three middle and high schoolers in a couple years, he thought he could set up a mini lab where they could do what they need to do right here.  They won't have the most updated software and operating systems, but these will work for what they need!

Ryan thought it was great to see what the insides of the machines look like and what each part does.  He was pretty excited to tell me about it when I got home from taxiing some of the others around this afternoon. The kids were also surprised to find out that Mom even knows a few things about the insides of computers!  Of course, the kids are all excited to get them set up and see how many of their games they can get working!

Little Things ARE the Big Things

One thing that I find difficult when I am praying for someone or know someone going through a difficult time is "what can I do?".  I realize how many of the little things I have stopped doing that I used to love to do.  I was an avid card sender.  I loved to hear of someone who needed a pick me up and send them a word of encouragement.  I can't even remember the last time I have done that.  That makes me sad.

Forced to spend a little more time thinking of myself, I find that it is so much more fun to encourage others than to dwell on my troubles.  I have also been the recipient of others' kind words and notes and remember how important it is to cheer and love one another in that way.  My sister-in-law sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers last week.  It came in a box and I was worried when I opened it because they looked all droopy.  Come to find out they have flowers now that you can send as buds and they open into a beautiful bouquet in 24 or so hours and last much longer on your table!  These are beautiful.

Another friend gave me roses in a hand painted bottle and a poem that she has found encouraging.  Beautiful again.  Each note or little thing that someone has said or given to me is a perfect reflection of who they are.  Each of us has a gift for giving something so unique and personal.  I Timothy 4:14 says neglect not the gift that is in thee.  Paul is talking to Timothy about what he is gifted with in the way of his service to the church.  I would say that each of us has our own unique way of giving to others what only we can.  The words in our hearts could really encourage someone else today.  I want to use my life experience to remember what it is that I can give as encouragement in my own unique way to bring a smile to someone's face.  We all need a pick me up, life is messy sometimes!

Cancer Files: My Hope Ring

I have been in awe at the way that I have seen God in the details of this situation.  Back in the 90's -days when we were praying for children and asking God to reveal his plan for us, I was in the store and saw these Faith, Hope, and Love rings.  I was drawn to the Hope ring at the time because I had begun to feel a new hope in our struggle with infertility.  I don't know how to explain how I knew other than God gave me a peace I hadn't had before that I would one day be a mother.  I trusted at that time, and on that day I purchased this ring to wear as a reminder of that during times of discouragement.

Now skip ahead to 2013.  It was a rough winter this year.  I found myself in the blue area a lot more than I would have wanted to be.  It was during the cold spring months when we were wondering if a real spring would ever come that I started getting bogged down in the schedule driven life that we had begun to lead.  I was hearing words coming out of the mouths of my children that I didn't teach them, and attitudes that I was not going to live with another 10-15 years under this roof.  It seemed like I had lost control and I feared at times that I didn't care.

All of the years of praying and hoping for this family started to lose the "miracle" feel.  After all, I started this blog to document the miracle that we have been blessed with in the lives of our children and how God has so graciously put our family together.  Nothing seemed that special anymore, I wasn't focusing on the important things.  That is when I found my hope ring in my jewelry box.  I put it on and remembered that promise, I remembered that this is the miracle.  And my focus has changed.  If we so enjoy the times we spend together here on this earth, how much more wonderful will it be together in heaven?  Our focus has become too much on the immediate and not the eternal.

Spring has passed and now summer is here.  We are going to the pool, we are playing with friends, we are spending a little too much time on video games on those rainy days.  And, I am still wearing my hope ring.  It hit me how God had prepared me for this by pulling out my hope ring.  What is it that I see all over the women's center when I go to my appointments?  Pink ribbons and the word HOPE.  In the ordinary life, and the breast cancer journey, hope is all around us, and our hope is in Him!

Getting Caught Up At Home

I mentioned earlier this week somewhere, whether it was on Facebook or here on the blog that I was training the three big kids how to do more than sort dirty clothes into the three "whites, mediums and darks" piles and then take their baskets of clean clothes back to their rooms when I have washed them.  It was a huge undertaking since they haven't gotten as consistent at either of those as I would like.

It was this afternoon that I felt like taking some time getting the mess that had been building up over the last couple weeks under control.  The kids got the hang of putting loads in the washer, transferring to the dryer, and then piling the clean clothes, unfolded up in baskets.  Funny thing, even when I am not able to keep up, the kids need more clean clothes!

It was a great feeling to do something that is a little more normal than visiting the oncologist, making surgery arrangements, and thinking about questions I have about recovery time and radiation.  I stood in my laundry room thinking that it felt so good to do normal things! 

Cleaning up the piles of clean clothes that were laying all around the laundry room also gave me a chance to clean off the new table that came during the last two crazy weeks.  Now, the girls each have a place to sew along with me.  Tomorrow...the ironing and then some time to sew!