Survivor Files: The Ultimate "Bad Hair Day"

Starting about Thursday night the hair started coming out in bunches. I felt the itchiness a lot on Wednesday and sported my hat to keep any strays from getting on stuff. Thursday it was a little worse, wore a scarf and then Friday I actually cut my errands short so I could be home. The hair was not staying in my scarf. I had arranged with my sister for a Saturday meeting to just shave my head and get it over with.

Wednesday Night

Thursday Night

Friday Night

Everyone in the house is supportive in their own way, I knew that Dawn, Matthew and my mom were going to be joining me as this event took place. Friday afternoon, I was working on canning spaghetti sauce. I had been okay with the whole thought of it and was good with the Saturday appointment, probably even more when the hair really started falling.

As it was getting later in the evening, working on the tomatoes, I started getting a little freaked out about what would happen when I went to bed and tried to take off the scarf. Would it all come out? Oh how I hate the emotion involved in these kind of things! I was thankful that as I was waiting for the two batches of sauce in the water bath, I was reminded about some letters and notes that I had been meaning to write. I sat down and got going on those while the timer kept my tomatoes in check.

It was a blessing to have my mind taken off the "freaking out thoughts" and I got some of my letters written at the same time. I loaded and started the dishwasher and headed to bed. I stood in the bathroom and after taking off the scarf, I pulled out some hair. It didn't hurt at all, so I just kept going. Maybe, I could just get it all out now and be done with it. Well, no, it wasn't all coming out so I stopped when I thought I had "evenly" thinned out my hair enough to go to sleep. This is Friday night, tomorrow is Saturday.

I got into bed and jumped back into the book I have been reading As Silver Refined. As I laid there more of those thoughts kept coming to my mind. Ugh...who wants to go through this? I mean, I know I CAN but who really wants to? The dread was building and I was starting to get stressed out and here we are bedtime, the worst time to start letting your mind race.

I focused back on the book. In my time in the Word in the past couple of years, the Lord has been challenging me to BE righteous, to BE holy, because that is what I am in Him. The living in boldness and giving my doubts and missteps to Him has been a blessing in my life and in my walk with Him. I say that because when I focused back on my book the section I was finishing ended with Philippians 4:8.

This is how I saw the words as my Shepherd calmed my heart during this strange and unnerving moment. Here are how the words read from the heart of my Jesus:

Jody...you are true, you are honest, you are just, you are pure, you are LOVELY, you are virtuous, you are of good report.

In this time of "freaking out", My Shepherd chose to comfort me and tell me what He sees as my hair is falling out in my sink, and my pillow. It made this girl want to get a good night's sleep, wake up and BE these things! (After I go to Johanna's and get the rest shaved off!)

I got a great night of sleep and today was the day...

Without too much fuss at the salon, I shared my thoughts with everyone from my journal, we prayed and away we went. There actually wasn't much more on the floor of the salon than there was in my garbage can from last night. I guess I got a pretty good start on it!

I love my hairdresser!

I got a wonderful scalp massage and now there is no more hairs falling from everywhere. I will be much more comfortable and cooler (especially if there will be much more canning in the kitchen!)
It is another step along this way, but as Zachary always says "Mom, when the bad medicine is done, it is just going to grow back!" He is absolutely right!

I am not sure how much of my bald head will be seen after this post, but here it is today. Thank you all for your prayers!

Meanwhile...Back In My Thyroid

My picture is not quite this pretty!

Thursday I had an ultrasound to see what my thyroid is up to. I was in for bloodwork and the ultrasound. I will consult over it all with the doctor next week. I was hoping that my chemo/radiation regimen would put a damper in the ENT's excitement to take my thyroid out in the next six months even if the nodules had grown. Sometime a couple of weeks after camp in June my voice was getting stronger again and I hadn't had as many episodes of the swallowing discomfort. I don't really know what he would say. (secretly thinking - "maybe they have shrunk" even though he had told me that doesn't really happen)

Since I saw him last I have had a PET scan when we were diagnosing the breast cancer stage. Just as a review, there was some uptake in the left node of my thyroid that my oncologist noted and passed on to the ENT. So I am interested in what he will say about that. Uptake doesn't necessarily mean cancer but it does mean he will probably want to do further testing. I am hoping that it wouldn't be a RIGHT NOW kind of thing. My aunt went through thyroid cancer, removal and treatment just last spring so they have tagged me as a "person of thyroid interest".

The ultrasound tech was wonderful. She was very compassionate as she went through everything that is in my record since the last time we met. Although I haven't gotten official word from the doctor yet, the tech told me that comparing, it looks like there may be some of the nodules that have shifted shape but by volume it looks like there isn't any change in size. I will take that as good news for now.

She also said that because both nodes are growing nodules "symmetrically" that it is a better sign. If there was one side full and the other side not, they would be more concerned. For now, that is good enough for me! She hugged me as I left and told me that I should keep shining. I told her that I have survived by faith and it is a lot easier knowing that someone bigger is taking the burden.

Friday From the Heart: The Refiner's Fire

Just a quick note today...I am lacking some energy as of yesterday and today, but I wanted to share a great inspiration for me from a different walk through the fire earlier in my journey. There are books on my shelf that will always stay there to pull out and re-read. I have grabbed off the shelf this week As Silver Refined by Kay Arthur. I find comfort in the comparison of trials to the refining process of metals. It can be a long process and in the end you have a precious metal. The poem I share today is the example of refining gold.  But whatever the precious metal, we have a Refiner who knows what we suffer and sees the end from the beginning.
I pray that the precious metal that comes from the Refiner's work in all of our lives will be worth the cost and the heat that it takes to reflect clearly back the reflection of our Savior! Because whatever life's journey is for each one of us, the reality is that we are all survivors of something(s)!

The Refiner's Fire

A.F. Ingler

He sat by a furnace of seven-fold heat,

As He watched by the precious ore.

And closer He bent with a searching gaze,

As He heated it more and more.

He knew He had ore that could stand the test

And He wanted the finest gold,

To mold as a crown, for the king to wear,

Set with gems of price untold.

So He laid our gold in the burning fire,

Tho' we fain would say Him "nay."

And watched the dross that we had not seen

As it melted and passed away.

And the gold grew brighter and got more bright,

But our eyes were dim with tears,

We saw but the fire, not the Master's hand,

And questioned with anxious fears.

Yet our gold shone out with a richer glow

As it mirrored a form above,

That bent o'er the fire, though unseen by us

With a look of ineffable love.

Can we think it pleases His loving heart

to cause us moments of pain?

Ah, no! But He sees through the present cross

The bliss of eternal gain.

So He waited there with a watchful eye,

With a love that is strong and sure.

And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat

Than was needed to make it pure.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you: when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon you." Isaiah 43:2

Someone Tried to Steal My Joy!

Yesterday was an awesome day! I got to visit in the afternoon with a good friend over coffee, yarn and cross stitch. I got a pleasant surprise from a new friend and blog reader who was out to the store and thought of me. She picked up a box of quart jars and delivered them to my door. She knew where my mom lived and knew I lived next door! Thank you Jean! The quart jars are sanitized and ready for spaghetti sauce tomorrow!

I also got a special invitation to a Strands of Strength fundraising luncheon next month. A corporate donor sponsored two of the tables so that the cancer center could provide a spot for some of the patients who have been going through treatments. The nutritionist who called told me that she and my social worker had picked out a few for the top of the list. I told her that I felt honored that they thought of me. She said no one she talks to in the office understands why with all that happened three years ago that I am back and this time for chemo and the rest.

Again, she was another that told me that I am an inspiration. It is very humbling. I really believe that there are two ways to go through something like this. I refuse to be miserable, with all of my power I will give it to God and let Him deal with it. It is too heavy for me. So, all in all a great day right?

Yes, until soccer practice! David took four kids to church for activities and a parent meeting and I took Matt to soccer practice. Putting my key in the pocket of my purse where I always put it, while engaging in conversation with my son I somewhere in there decided that I was just going to grab my phone and crochet and leave my purse in the van. I of course locked it...every door. You see where this is going don't you? Yeah...

Well, thankfully the hour of practice wasn't miserable because I was totally oblivious to the fact that I left the key in my purse in the locked van until I stood up to go and felt my pocket and was met with the sinking thought "I didn't slip the key in my pocket...it is in my purse, in the locked van." Ugh! David was at church in a parent meeting and I really didn't want him to drive halfway home to rescue me and then have to go back.

Then I remembered my mom and dad started choir practice so if they just left with David, he could use his key to open the door and get them in and Mom or Dad could drive the van home. So I arranged that via phone message and text and called my sister-in-law to see if she could come and take Matt and I to our house. I love her and spending time with her but it was a treat to see my brother who came in the truck to take us home. I don't get as much time to catch up with my brothers as I do with my sister and SIL's so it was a little treat to ride home and talk.

First attempt at selfie with my short arm...

So far so good...then we got home. Someone had taken the extra effort that they DIDN'T take to turn all of the lights off in the house to lock every single door. I hadn't thought of that either until I got home and remembered my house key is in my purse too. Sy offered to drive us to his house because Mom and Dad had his son with them and when they dropped him off they could bring us home.

Sy's arm is longer so we did better the with the second one!

A little extra Pokemon
tonight snuggled
with Moxie

I have an injection that had just gone in via my "robot" nurse stuck to my arm and I was starting to feel the worn out feeling. I was just glad to be in the neighborhood. Being their kids, we know ways to get into our parent's house so Matt and I just thought we would hang out there. I had crochet, and my phone and Uncle Sy got Netflix on their tv. Sy, being sweet like he is stayed and kept me company.



What a blessing it was to catch up. Grand Central was quiet and a one on one conversation was special. We laughed a lot and talked serious stuff too. No, there was no joy stolen today. I didn't get back to my tomatoes and will probably head to bed when I close this post out. We tried all of the keys hanging on the hooks at Mom and Dads but our house key wasn't there. We will have to remedy that I suppose. Everyone made it home...along with my van and purse with van and house key fully recovered. Life it too short to get worked up about dumb stuff! It was a different evening than what I had imagined but still so very good!

Survivor Files: Chemo #2

I started my day making a couple of phone calls and updating our family calendar now that the three soccer players have game dates and times. That pretty much took up all of the rest of the white space on the screen and now we have reached the point where my sanguine weakness of becoming overwhelmed when I view something cram packed like the family calendar will render me useless until I break it down to one day at a time.

Still smiling...and actually a lot of
laughing today.

This isn't all that bad. I have learned in my 46 years that the best way to go through life is one day at a time building on the past and letting God take care of the future since He is already there anyway. Today is my focus and it was a good day.

Again, Mom joined me and I started upstairs with my trainer. His name is Matt and his job is to help with all setbacks to physical activity that we deal with on the cancer journey. Our talk was a little different this morning than it was three years ago although I am stronger now after two surgeries and (at the time this morning), one round of chemo than I was doing two months out from a double mastectomy in October of 2013.

Things were too busy last time to get
out my comfy socks but not today!

Since his name is Matt we refer to him as "Trainer Matt" at home because we don't want anyone to be confused, especially the resident Matt. He is going to put together some exercises that will help regain range of motion in my arm where the lymph nodes were removed and stretches for my neck and shoulders where most of the bone pain was during the first round. (that comes as a result of the injection I get the day after chemo to help my body release the white blood cells it needs.)

We moved downstairs to oncology/hematology after that and I was cleared for chemo. Potassium was a little low so I will be eating a few extra bananas this round. Maybe some orange juice and other fruits mixed in a smoothie or something to make it interesting! I was perplexed because this past week with the three helpings of garden grown potatoes and hamburger gravy I pigged out on I figured I had gotten my potassium for the week at least! 

There was a little not so great excitement right after the saline flush was hooked up. Mom and I heard "doctor to chemo" and then a rush came from all directions as they attended to a woman that was having an adverse reaction to one of her drugs. I prayed that they would be able to help and they got her to the hospital for observation. She was doing much better when she left. It was comforting in a way to see how closely we are watched and how quickly they respond if something isn't going well. I know, that may sound weird but I am thankful.

So far, at the end of day one I am a lot more tired than I was the first round. I was pleasantly surprised and I could feel that the steroids were helping to give me energy. This time, I am not feeling that at all. Maybe magic will occur as I sleep. Mom and I spent most of our time on Facebook sharing funny stuff and keeping up with our Dice with Friends games. We had one post in particular that had us laughing that I thought I would share with all of you. I did post it on Facebook because I couldn't pass it up! Mom first cracked up when she read "what's an artificial triplet?" Exactly!!! Then mostly giggles through the first few letters until she got to "No, I don't watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight!" It is all things that I have thought as come backs when total strangers ask about my kids. Thankfully that doesn't happen much as they turn 14 next month since they are all so very different in size and personality but I will always remember the triplet stroller days when people came up and said things before they thought about what they were saying. The most appalling thing was one day in an elevator in May 2002 when I looked like I was going to give birth any day but was due in OCTOBER and I had this conversation:

"Due any day now huh?"
"No, actually I am due in October, we are having triplets."
"Oh man! If I found out I was having triplets, I would shoot myself!"
(we had reached the third floor and the doors were opening...as I stepped out I replied)
"That is why God gave them to me" and I walked out.
So, my one time in life when I had that great comeback. But unfortunately that doesn't happen very often. But, I digress...here is my mom still enjoying the funny things we remembered from the triplet days and the things that I could have said! I really love her, I am glad that she wants to hang out with me.

We both get uplifted by everyone there. One of the nurses told me that she is so inspired to see how each person walks through this kind of diagnosis and treatment. They always ask about the family and how are the kids. I give a few examples of interactions I have had with some of them. It takes awhile, and sometimes it is entertaining. She told me that she thought I sounded like a good mom. Well, I try to be. God fills in the rest.


Everything went about as well as it did the first time while we were there. Got up feeling a little shaky but I had been sitting for three hours so that was okay. I was able to come home and help with homework and hear from everyone how their day went. I was thankful for the extra spaghetti sauce that I put in the freezer last week so supper was quick work. And everyone loves spaghetti in the house so that is always a plus!

Matthew over there tries so hard to sit still and get his homework done. I see about as much as the picture below as he remembers something that he "has to do" and runs off saying "I'll be right back" It eventually gets done and I know since he started moving in utero that this boy is not a stand still kind of kid.

Zachary in his "middle school" maturity does better to get the work done. We are trying to learn how to "show your work". He does a lot of the simple math in his head and teachers want to see the work. So I told him to just write down what happens in his head when he thinks about the answer. I think he did pretty good for the first time.

I can't end today's post without mentioning this little man again. After his homework he was messing around with a gallon jug "watering" plants all around outside our house. I told him that I am going to get the tomatoes prepared for canning tomorrow but I needed someone who could go out and pick the ones that are red in the garden. He took a bowl and out he went. This mom was so grateful to not have to go outside with my internal thermostat set on perpetual high. I am thankful for his willingness.

On another note. The ratio of hair staying on my head is still more than what is coming out, but it seems like the race is on. No "handfuls" yet and no bald spots to report so but the pace in picking up, lets just put it that way. I have stopped "yanking" to see how many strands I get...last count I stopped at thirty. It is part of the process and we are all processing it differently. I am honoring those family members that don't want to talk about it, and those who want to talk about it every day.

Thinking about remaking the song "Nothing Compares 2U" by Sinead O'Connor. I have a partner in crime that may just be able to help me pull it off. If I remember right, it is in my range! For tonight though, I am going to let my body rest and the chemo search for any of those cancer cells that could be hiding. I am going to let the other meds do their job and I am going to pop up at 6:45 and wake up my kids. Oh, and I am not going to think about my thyroid ultrasound until Thursday! (yes...it is that time again if you want to know some of that back story, you can read Once Upon a Thyroid I had no idea what was coming a few months down the road)

If you are praying for us, here are some specifics for this week:

1. That the lines of communication in our house continue to stay open...tonight was a great night!
2. That we all get to the other side of this "hair loss" transition because I am pretty sure that we will rock the new normal when it becomes our new reality.
3. Precious time in God's Word for me...days are just better that way!
4. Rest...I am a doer and there are always things to do. Tomorrow is tomatoes and I am only going to let myself skin them and get them ready to can. I don't have to do the whole thing tomorrow. (I am running out of quart jars so that will stop me quick til I can get out for more)
5. That the ENT on Thursday isn't concerned about the PET scan uptake in the left node. And that none of the nodules have gotten any bigger and I can keep my thyroid for another six months!
6. That Jesus can continue to come through my every conversation and interaction with people from those I love to the complete strangers. I just want to let Him. He's way better at this than I am. I will rest in that truth.

I love you all and thank you for you. Whether you are checking in, thinking about me, are part of my prayer warrior team or just curious. Thank you! I feel the peace in this storm and it really is beyond comprehension. He is so good even in the bad. I am so blessed by you all!

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Survivor Files: A Little Bit of Normal

Yesterday I ran a few errands, took a short nap to try to get rid of my headache, and worked concessions at the 10th grade football game. Oh how wonderful it is to feel normal.

My view from the concession window (we won by the way)

Today while you read this I am at the doctor getting through round number two. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and I find myself loving the normal things in life.

Normal will look a little different as the fall goes on as I was reminded tonight. A few more hairs are on my hairbrush and no longer on my head. Thankfully the mouth sores that I acquired over the weekend aren't long lasting and those are gone. I will take all the good I can with the bad.

I counselled a couple of children and read to a couple of them before bedtime, I got a little impatient with a couple of family members and angry at one. All normal stuff. As always I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I will need them today. There are a couple of boys in my house that with need some homework help when they get home from school, and tonight there are piano lessons and soccer practice.

Resting my weary feet

I pulled out some of my journals from a long time back. I was sharing with one of my children who was struggling with a reason why to pray if things just keep on the way they are or get worse. I had to agree when the examples were Dad's work situation, my health and a few other things that I could say definitely have not gotten better.

God was so good to guide me right to the spot in 1999 when I was journaling about the very same thing. I shared what I was learning then and what I know now. Although it was one of those times when mom can't just make it all better, I do believe there was some understanding. I was looking into the names of God at the time and how they describe His character.

El Elyon is the God Most High. We don't know His reasons or His ways. I heard a great quote last night while I was listening to Dr. Jeremiah talk about suffering. He was reading from Hebrews 4:15 "If the sinless Son of the living God has to experience suffering so that He could identify with our suffering then we should not be surprised that we have to do the very same thing."

We are going to suffer, sometimes the suffering goes on a long time, or comes back. I don't get it, I have no way of explaining. I have received so much from Him in my life that I can't turn away and say He isn't being fair. He is more than fair and I am growing more than a conqueror because that is what He wants for me. It isn't easy to explain that to a child, but I pray that I can live it out so that they can see Him through all of this. So if you are looking for a specific prayer request today, pray that their faith can grow.

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin." Hebrews 4:15

A Fun Day in the Sewing Room

The day started and ended with smiles!

Dawn and I spent a little time together on Saturday. Much of that time was spent downstairs in the coolness of the sewing room. She wanted to finish her skirt we had cut out in the beginning of the summer. I have to brag on her a lot. Her biggest aversion to sewing something is pins. She has been afraid since she has been small of poking herself with a pin. Oh, and the other thing she doesn't like to do is iron, she doesn't want to burn herself! I totally get all of that at her age.

So...the agreement was I will pin and iron everything she needs as long as she does all of the sewing. She was all for that although I told her when we jump into the next projects she has sitting by her sewing machine, she will have to ease herself into these two things and get past the fear that has been holding her back! She thought that sounded reasonable.

Okay, so I said she was going to do all of the sewing. I had forgotten that this skirt has an invisible zipper. I actually just put on my very first invisible zipper last spring when I made Dawn's dress for Easter. I felt silly when I did it because it really wasn't as difficult for me as I expected it to be. But, I have been sewing since I was nine and I am much older than that now! I was doing my best to instruct her in all of the wisdom I gained from my ONE experience and told her we could watch a couple of YouTube videos (I mean, last spring I watched about eight or ten before I jumped in). She told me no, she thought she could do it.

Hmm, well she did sew the waistband on beautifully that had quite a bit of easing to my surprise so, maybe I could let her go on this. See, and that was another thing...I actually was working on my own stuff while she was there. I am pretty sure that is the difference between trying to teach a nine-year-old and an almost 14-year-old. She was definitely up for the challenge. I helped her pin on the first side and she sewed it right up.

I was trying to help her pin the other side of the zipper on and well, lets just say that I am a little direction-ally challenged and finally she just grabbed it from me and said "Mom, I think I know, I will do it." Okay...and you know what? She did. She sewed the invisible zipper on the skirt without one seam ripped out and done over and completed the side seam like a pro! Her machine worked like a charm too.

If you can't tell, I am a little proud of her. She wants to tackle a Princess Zelda costume next. She has the picture and we found a pattern in Grandma's collection that we can use for the dress. Last week we used a bunch of coupons and got a great deal on every color. I told her that with chemo this week we will do our best to get the pattern cut out. She knows we may have to wait until next week. She also knows that her mom's LEAST favorite thing to do in the whole process of sewing is cutting stuff out.

When did I blink that this little girl is sewing invisible zippers all by herself? And walking out the door with heels and a skirt that she sewed herself?