Friday From the Heart: He Will Hold Me Fast

Is it weird that I find peace and calm sitting out on my front porch listening to and watching the traffic go by on South 11th street in Marion? The wind is blowing, the sun is shining, the iced tea is refreshing. I watch as the evening "coming home from work" crowd drives past and I am thankful. Thankful for my life, and that I am sitting on this porch.

Time flies and it is hard to believe that we will be celebrating being in this house in Marion for FIVE years this coming Thanksgiving. Wow, was it ever an act of God that brought us here, no doubt. An answer to prayers and HUGE distraction during a very LONG recovery season for me. I think FIVE years and some days it still feels like I am recovering.

He Will Hold Me Fast was a blessing to me this week. I was at worship practice at church and this is a new song we practiced. I get the question often now "so how are you doing now?" I never really know how to answer that question. I will be honest, it is hard to get back into life when you aren't at the same physical level. I need to pace myself and not overdo things. For example, when I decide to go walking I need to ease back into longer distances. Not like last week when I walked for a couple of hours my first time out of the gate in a few months.

What I wrote above was actually started about 3 weeks ago. Since then I have sung this song many times and heard it in my earbuds, or blaring out from my computer. He does hold us fast. I was getting ready in the paragraph above to complain some about this chemo drug I am on. I stinks. Suppressing my estrogen and forcing my body into menopause stinks. But you know, it is not the important things of life.

I learned something on Wednesday that broke through a little bit of the "firstborn rule-follower" stereotype that is actually pretty dead on for me. My boy (my "baby" boy) is home sick. Wednesday he was at the doctor and tested positive for walking pneumonia. Thanks to a conversation with my mom when this same boy was about 5 days old, I remembered "First I am a mom..." You see, I was supposed to sub yesterday and felt TERRIBLE to have to cancel.

When I say I am going to do something, it is ingrained in me that I do it. I obsessed about it so much on Wednesday that I actually set up a back up with Mom to stay with him so I could be in that classroom. Truth is, My first job is being a mom and as my van load of kids went off to youth group (driving themselves), I realized that before I know it my "baby" will be out the door with the keys too. I remember like it was yesterday when the triplets were nine. It was a blink.

So, while he is watching a show, I type these words. And I plan for some snuggling and movie watching, Payday playing and reading together for the rest of my day. It is my job, and this job is one I move on from, someday being promoted to "empty nest Mom" and then eventually "Grandma". And the absolute truth is: I am gonna miss this!